Alcohol is ever-present on the Real Housewives. It’s the fuel for most of the best confrontations and meltdowns and for that we give it our eternal thanks. This ranking is not a list of swill that the housewives shill, but rather the drinks we see them guzzling back that truly embody their character. Bottoms up.
In which nobody’s exactly on their best behavior.
You are expected to expect the unexpected.
In which we discuss such hot topics as life and death, love and hate, the specter of racism, and a couple that just really, really likes Hot Topic.
Today’s Round-Up features sterling examples of the five basic conflicts of literature: woman vs. friend, woman vs. enemy, woman vs. frenemy, woman vs. husband, and woman vs. Kim Zolciak.
Sometimes, an item of Housewives interest crops up — a marriage, a separation, a new line of products — and we think, “huh, guess we should blog about that.” But then we don’t, because we’re lazy, and they pile up and up and up. And then we’re like, “ugh, I guess we reported on Angela Stone trying that fat sucking machine; we can’t ignore Kenya’s pregnancy. Let’s just chuck all the shit we missed together in a big clump.” Hence, The Round-Up: a grab bag of news and innuendo so good it’s like getting your dick sucked by a strange man. Allegedly.
The first ever Bitchy Witches post was about the demise of a relationship both shocking and inevitable. Today, we return to that tradition: after 17 years of marriage, it’s time to close the Beadors. To further complicate matters: it’s the day of the OC reunion taping. I am imagining Shannon’s emotional state is… precarious.
More information as it emerges. The Bitchy Witches are staunchly #teamshannon and thinking of her in this difficult time. Let us all remove a lemon from our bowls in mourning.
If you’re still here with us in this final half of RHOC season 12 then good on you, you masochist. The absence of last week’s highs(?) and lows was due to the episode being so dull I couldn’t even bother to write about it. Thankfully Taylor helpfully summed up the issues with the normally stellar OC housewives franchise. While this week wasn’t a classic it definitely bounced back some from last week’s low. Let’s dive in.
Queen for an Episode: Orange County is cancelled indefinitely until this show gets its shit together. As of this moment, I don’t know how it’s going to happen. The beautiful methed out paradise of Orange County has turned into an unliveable hell. Lynne Curtin didn’t die for this.
I hope you’ll excuse my absence from the Highs and Lows for the past episodes as I’ve been suffering from a vigorous case of Influenza Z. Unfortunately I don’t have a note from my doctor to get out of work because who goes to the doctor for a flu test? Anyway, I’m way off topic now so let’s just dive into this week’s episode.