Okay, so things fall apart, the centre cannot hold, and mere anarchy is loosed upon the world; we can still always, always count on OC reunions being fucking amazing.
6. Emily (-2)
Has everyone set up a Google Alert to make sure they don’t miss the news of Emily’s firing tomorrow morning? Sorry but this was a disaster. Nobody in the cast gives a single fuck about this chick except Gina (and even she’s getting veeery close to idontknowher.gif territory), and her one moment of prominence in this hour was being embarrassingly ground to dust by Kelly Dodd. When you’re experiencing a heated moment with Shannon Beador and *she’s* the one who’s keeping her composure, it’s time to man the lifeboats. Give Lizzie and Gretchen our best regards XO!
5. Vicki (NC)
This has to have been Vicki’s most invisible reunion ever, which, again, is good news for her generally, but there’s still the little matter of her accusing a costar of illegal drug use on national television so it’s hard to bump her any higher than this. Still, this reunion was a mere pothole in the road for the Fun Bus as it hurtles forever onward down the highway toward the heat death of the universe.
4. Gina (-1)
While Gina’s proven to be a great Tamra, Jr., she still needs her training wheels. She fought valiantly against the thousand-tentacled octopus of Shannon Beador’s neediness, but ultimately lost the fight as Shannon got to Accept Her Apology somefuckinghow. She’s also gotta be careful coming into S14 because the eye of Sauron Judge is now upon her.
3. Shannon (+3)
Ooooooobviously you could never call this reunion/season(/existence?) a victory for Shannon, yet at the same time she’s such a fucking force of nature that I’m frankly unsurprised to see her come out of this affair looking relatively good. Basically, as ever, Shannon’s participation on The Real Housewives of Orange County this season has been a never-ending group therapy session, and just as such sessions inevitably dig up ugly details of your massively flawed personality, they *also* tend toward a redemptive ending that focuses on all the good things you have to give the world. Is Shannon a nightmarish, emotionally blackmailing creature born from a night terror? Yes. Is Shannon an adorable broken-winged baby bird who just wants to be loved, dammit? Also yes. Don’t fight the tides; they flow in and out, forever, no matter how you feel about them.
2. Kelly (-1)
Now theeeere’s the Kelly we all know and love, admitting that she still believes Shane to be a little bitch and *let’s not forget* also a dork!!!, admitting that she wanted to slap the shit out of Emily on national television, and so forth. Amusingly, even as she reverted to her old classless vulgar self, Kelly still continued to clown the Simpson family’s very existence. Twerps to the left.
1. Tamra (+1)
Telenovela Tamra strikes again! In her
old bold age, Tamra has shed her more feral tactics of years past in favor of a more nuanced approach, and it’s suiting her as well as ever. In this final chapter of the season, she got to air her (super reasonable!) grievances with Shannon while still expressing her undying and emotionally vulnerable affection for her friend. It was a master class in reunioneering and I hope young Gina was paying close attention.