AKA The Passion of St. Shannon, Pt. LXVII.
6. Shannon (-2)
If last hour showcased the best-worst of Vicki Gunvalson, this week was Shannon Beador’s turn. Her first recap package was pretty glowing, which only made it funnier when everyone inevitably lined up to express their many many many many (pretty much 100% justified) grievances against her, leaving her flailing back to her perpetual martyr pose. Watching this, I can totally see how hard it would be to be Shannon’s friend, as well as how exhausting it must be for some people to even watch her, but on the other hand suck it up losers this woman is melodramatic perfection she’s worth the effort.
5. Vicki (+1)
A rough start for Vicki, as cokegate/Joliegate continued and her incessant need to say the most venomous thing imaginable whenever she is even slightly upset became a front-page topic for yet another reunion. The editors even dropped in clips of random Vicki trespasses like suggesting that Shannon wears an XL shirt just to bat her around a little for their (and our) own amusement. But then she slipped entirely to the background, which, let’s be honest, is the only safe place for Vicki Gunvalson at a reunion, so it all wound up working out about as well as possible for her this go around.
4. Emily (+1)
For a while it seemed like Emily was not in fact a Housewife, but rather a CNBC legal analyst hired to discuss divorce law in some odd NBC/Universal crossover. But then we finally(?) got our Emily segment and uh it did not go well. It’s clear that the whole cast (plus Andy) sees her as the runt of the litter to be pecked to death. And Emily didn’t help matters with her stammering defenses of her shifty behavior (SHE used the word “abuse “first gasp) and shifty marriage (Shane…converted to Mormonism…?…what). Luckily for her she got to have the same gauzy segment about body-shaming that all non-skinny Housewives eventually get to have, I’m sure she’ll solve that whole issue in her second season that she’ll definitely get.
3. Gina (-1)
Good God Gina vs. Shannon is fucking funny. I actually think Shannon gave as good as she got, and Gina’s got a major shit-stirring streak, but in this hour at least Gina was obviously the rational one to Shannon’s self-contradicting mess, so she wins on points. Now get that long-awaited apology from Shane girl! JK don’t ever speak to him again are you a masochist eesh.
2. Tamra (+1)
Tamra practically has a Master’s degree in reunions, so it was no surprise to see a strong performance from her. She pretty effortlessly swatted Emily away, and from then on she essentially gave us a performance of famed one-woman play The Many Personality Flaws of Shannon Beador, and while I both adore Shannon and think Tamra isn’t *entirely* innocent here, I mean yes Shannon is an insanely difficult person holy moly. The only thing keeping me from ranking Tamra a bit higher is that she did seem a little too harsh on Shannon at times. I’m sure Tamra would correctly point out that this merely shows how Shannon’s emotional blackmail is so powerful that it can manipulate even viewers at home, but whatever I gladly surrender slay me needy queen.
1. Kelly (NC)
A lowkey performance for Kelly, but she got her jabs in at the right times on the winning sides of arguments, and generally breezed through as charming supporting cast. Yes, that Kelly Dodd is now the fun, light-hearted one at reunions. We truly live in the strangest timeline.