The Real Housewives of Orange County – Reunion Power Rankings Pt. 1

Stock up on your cannabis-infused blueberries, y’all; it’s on.

6. Vicki

Obviously Vicki is first place *in my heart* with this absolutely feral performance, but holy moly. It could not have been more evident that Vicki has learned *less than* nothing from her thirteen years on this show, as we cycled through every shitty low-blow strategy she has ever used against anyone who has wronged her with grievous sins such as, uh, being offended that she was an evil piece of shit to them. “Kelly does blow/is an awful mother” is just “Eddie is gay/David beats Shannon/Vatican tourists hate Slade” all over again, and “14 years of Hell” specifically is almost word for word the same exact slander she tried on MKE a few seasons ago. I adore this demoness of course but let’s be real, Vicki has catapulted herself right back to her S8-11 reunion nadir where she was just clowned oooover and oooover and oooover again yet kept coming back for more.

5. Emily

Who told Emily that that weird flower ruffle is flattering? (Yes, it was absolutely Shane, I know.) Anyway Emily was predictably a non-entity for this go-around, existing only to butt in with her opinion that literally nobody cares about, something that Gina (as ever) wore better.

4. Shannon

Oh man what a bounty this reunion is that we haven’t even touched the Shannon Beador experience yet. Good on her for skating by, but her desire to placate Vicki has put her in a biiit of an awkward position, considering…well, go back and read item no. 6, and I’m sorry but I died at the revelation that David and Shannon started counseling before getting married. How did this relationship not last?

3. Tamra

A lowkey performance from Tamra as well, albeit one that demonstrated her general good reunion sense: correctly predicting the tide of public opinion by generally siding with Kelly while also staying on Vicki’s good side. She also looked fucking amazing, but what else is new.

2. Gina

A strong start from a strong newbie. You had to love the moment where she managed to take a gauzy, feel-good segment about 💃Las Tres Amigas💃 to tear into Vicki for shitting on her party. She truly is Tamra, Jr., which she showed throughout a reunion episode that was only intermittently actually about her by throwing well-placed grenades whenever she had the chance. Also Tamra-esque? Her glisteningly tearful reminiscences of her doomed marriage. They better be waxing her S14 orange as we speak.

1. Kelly

Well I’ll be damned: Hell has frozen over, the sun’s going ’round the moon, the Democratic Party has taken the House of Representatives, and Kelly Dodd is winning a reunion. Granted “Vicki antagonist” is a reliably good look on nearly anyone, but Kelly actually handled herself with unusual strength, poise, and wit in picking at Vicki’s bullshit. And when Vicki finally broke through her thick skin by pummeling her with a series of OBVIOUS lies (for the record: Kelly maybe does coke recreationally now and then but is definitely not a cokehead, she’s obviously a fantastic mother, and Michael might have hated being married to her from time to time but they clearly generally get along and probably had crazy good sex), Kelly became the beloved hero martyr of the reunion, sympathetic to all. A master performance that I’m sure she’ll manage to squander somehow, because God bless her she’s my girl but c’mon.

3 thoughts on “The Real Housewives of Orange County – Reunion Power Rankings Pt. 1

  1. In Vicki’s defense, Kelly did call her a fart.

    Super disappointed to hear Kelly is considering leaving the show over this. I get how it must feel to have that thrown at you, but people have bounced back from WAY worse on these shows. Dorit and Dorinda had more…reliable sources shouting similar accusations. She got probably the best edit she could have gotten all things considering and support for her is at an all-time high. I hope she can realize that her time can be better used making Vicki’s life a living hell next year.

    Very pleasantly surprised by Gina’s performance. It’s nice to have a sane wife in the OC to cut through everyone’s bullshit. She managed to force an apology out of Vicki within the first ten minutes! I think she’s finally found her footing on the show and she’s gonna come into next season with guns blazing.

    1. I’m not too worried about Kelly just yet. People like Janet Roach and Leeanne Locken have “quit” the show in the past in a fit of pique only to dutifully report back for a new season. Kelly is impulsive and probably wants to air her grievances but I doubt she’d really go, especially now that she’s a fan favo (lol).

      I’m vibing/hoping for an epic villain season from Gina next year a la D’Andra.

  2. I thought about it and hands down OC has the best reunions of all franchises, and this one did not disappoint. I spent half the hour gasping at the shit coming out of Vicki’s mouth because in spite of watching 13 seasons of this hell demon she never fails to go lower than anticipated or demand an apology while she’s throwing out accusations simultaneously. Queen.

    Kelly of course was the triumphant star and I don’t see her leaving the show. Mama has bills to pay and is divorced now, hopefully she’s just angling for a raise.

    Emily’s sad little reunion binder which felt like a recycled version of Brooks’s cancer binder didn’t help her as she just backed up Vicki the whole time. Speaking of Brooks, wow in season 13 we are still getting extended Brooks segments at the reunion. King.

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