💫STAR SEARCH💫: The Real Housewives of Orange County, S13E12

I don’t really have anything pithy to say here, so I’d like to point out that Shannon and Kelly met at a restaurant called “Eat Chow” and that has to be a new low/high in absurd OC restaurant names. Who says that this show can’t still surprise us thirteen seasons in?

Vicki

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I’ll never tire of Vicki’s scorched earth campaign to wheedle Steve into marrying her, so ably dramatized by William Faulkner ninety years ago as A Rose for Emily (fine sorrrrry for the obnoxious highbrow ref but we’re putting together our Pulitzer Prize campaign).

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Michael, Michael, Michael. Haven’t you ever watched Buffy? You’ve invited the vampire into your home and now you’ll never be rid of it.

Emily

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Oh my Goddd what is this storyline even. Your husband doesn’t want more babies. You only want another baby because…Mormon families are supposed to have exactly six children? You need to have exactly two daughters? You’re emotionally attached to clumps of undifferentiated cells? I don’t get it and I don’t get how it takes up multiple scenes in multiple episodes because these embryos are clearly never becoming Simpsii!!! Give it up lady!!!

Rating: ⭐ –  Although, on the other hand, given the state of U.S. politics those embryos will soon have more legal rights than food stamp recipients do.

Gina

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It is written in the Ancient Texts that one must rise every year to combat Shannon Beador in a futile battle of awkward shouting and bathroom storm-offs. Enter Gina Kirschenhoffersteinersen.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐ –  Even after having grown used to Gina’s Long Gisland accent I was *still* shocked by the insanity of the vowels in her pronunciation of “dog” (sorry, “dauwg”).

Kelly

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And here to mark Indigenous People’s Day is Woke Queen We Stan Kelly Dodd, who wants to educate us all about Columbus’s genocidal legacy. Maybe it’s because I finished Wide Sargasso Sea today but I very much appreciated her erudite gloss of Jamaican history (again *sorry* but I need to find some way to use this English degree that I’ll be in debt for until I die).

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ –  And of course the Kelly and Jolie Dodd Foundation continues its campaign against hunger (not including the munchies).

Shannon

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I know she was being ironic but Gina is correct, our solar system revolves around Shannon Beador, it just does! Anyway I invite Gina to pursue this rivalry while simultaneously flash-forwarding to her and Shannon doing shots together and swearing a bond of eternal sisterhood in S14.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐ –  Where the fuck IS Fun Emily?! Maybe we just don’t get her 🤡 snarkasm 🤡 who knows.

Tamra

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I wish all the best for Eddie, who represents about 20 percent of the total good househusband population, but I’m also ready for Tamra to click back into shit-stir mode in Jamaica.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐ –  I’m happy that Tamra’s foot is healed, but please can she at least roll into the reunion on the scooter at least for old time’s sake? Pleeease?

One thought on “💫STAR SEARCH💫: The Real Housewives of Orange County, S13E12

  1. Just commenting to say Jolie is an adorable angel and deserves nothing but good in her life <3 I’m still not totally positive that there wasn’t a mix-up at the IVF clinic and Kelly didn’t birth someone else’s child on accident

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