When do we file a missing persons report on Juan Dixon already?
6. Robyn (-2)
And so the reunion proceeds much as the season itself did: Robyn barely speaking a word, overshadowed by Charrisse, the other women’s husbands, Karen’s makeup guy, etc. But, because existence is meaningless and futile, I’m already preparing myself to see you all back here next spring to hear about how she and Juan are thiiiiscloooose to starting down the path toward considering the possibility of thinking about taking the next step toward deciding where they stand with one another.
5. Monique (NC)
I do think Mo comes out of this one a little blooded—her refusal to cop to any shadiness in the Kyndall sitch didn’t look great, even if snake-ass Charrisse probably was mostly behind it. Not a terrible performance, mind, but there’s blood in the water now, which suddenly makes Season 4’s strategic map a little more interesting.
4. Candiace (+2)
A lowkey performance, but her shady mutterings at anything and everything the other couch had to offer left me in absolute stitches, particularly when it spread from Candiace to Monique AND Karen AND all three ladies’ men, utterly drowning whatever the fuck real estate bullshit Michael was blathering on about. In any event, the Daily Mail is claiming that her wedding was filmed, so I think we can be optimistic about being reigned over by our princess for another year.
3. Gizelle (-2)
While Gizelle got the best of Monique on points alone (a first, as far as I can recall), her bitterness shone through a little too clearly, as when she said Monique is a “horrible person” or used the occasion of a final toast to passive-aggressively demand an apology that I’m sorry lady is neeever coming you guys hate each other come off it!!! On the plus side, she now has a new business opportunity available to her in the form of penis hue cards.
2. Ashley (NC)
What an absolutely absurd creature. I’m not gonna suggest the possibility that her miscarriage is a made-up sob story, but, on the other hand, I just typed that, so. I don’t know SORRY but I think Ashley is capable of anything (and I approve of it, obviously). Anyway I think the Darbys and Hugers more or less fought each other to a draw, which seems like an automatic Ashley loss, but when you really think about it they’re such bizarro versions of each other that it really had to end this way. Now I swear to God if S4 is all about the Darbys trying to have a fucking baby I will riot holy fuck am I sick of that wretched desiccated Australian mummy.
1. Karen (+2)
I’ll be damned. Not that Karen was untouchable here, or looked any less ridiculous than usual, buuut…let’s add it up. Her edit was mainly about her mourning her parents. She got ample (and effective!) air cover from Candiace and Mo (love these loyal ladies). Again, she and Ray fought the Darbys to a draw even though they are clearly bizarre and fraudulent liars and resorted to a fucking cease and desist letter to prove their point. For most Housewives, this would have been a mixed bag of a performance, but Karen Huger is not most Housewives. Karen Huger, in the Real Housewives of Potomac Season 3, was a human Rube Goldberg machine of deceit, giving us a tangle of bullshit so thorough you could plausibly assign Robert Mueller to sift through it. Yet she came out of the reunion looking like a feisty, endearingly wacky, larger-than-life antiheroine who’s here to remind us of the importance of loving our friends and family. The season ends as it begins: the grand dame still holds center court.