Highs and Lows: There’s No Place Like Home – RHONY

Now that the RHONY ladies have survived The Boat Trip From Hell they are back to terrorizing the city of New York. Nobody does it better.

Highs:

1. Colombia cleanse. Call me crass, but I loved every single minute of poop jokes. Sign me up for Carole and Sonja’s BM group chat, I’m ready to share. I especially appreciated Ramona’s description of her cleaning up her shit stains with towels and leaving them outside because the smelled so bad. Of course this was going to be Sonja’s domain, though. She is the queen of bodily function overshares. While I could understand a last resort diaper to get you through a long flight home from Colombia, next time you catch a Jitney, make sure you’re a few rows away from Sonja Morgan. She would rather fester in her own waste than use the “lavatory.” Waiting on Lisa Rinna to refer Sonja to Depends so she can stop renting out her townhouse.

2. Rudely rehabbed. “Sobriety” and a stint in rehab seem to have really done a number on our Lu. She’s past the shame stage and is really showing off a lot of that old Countess charm from the earlier seasons. She was savage with all of her condescending remarks this episode. Ramona’s house doesn’t even have a chia pet! Carole’s taste in men! Singing “money can’t buy you class” to shit on Ramona’s house will always tickle my funny bone because there is maybe nothing I like more than a housewife quoting her own songs.

3. Sonja show. This episode was a smörgåsbord of so many of Ms. Morgan’s ticks. Can you imagine the Spring thaw occurring to reveal just an absolute mountain of dog poo out in the garden? I can so very much. The aforementioned “I LIKE A FRESH DIAP” conversation (and photos!) induced hyperventilation in this witch. And finally she decided to hijack Ramona’s launch party to shill her shoes because why pay for a venue, booze, or make a guest list when someone else already did that?

4. Laundry day. As a diehard John Mahdessian fan I feel like it is my duty to highlight his every appearance on this fine show. You know, I’ve never really given a shit about dry cleaning because it’s not really necessary for my Forever 21 couture, but I would die for a Madam Paulette stain remover kit. A piece of housewives history and also useful for when you’ve had one too many margaritas and slop salsa off your chip onto your dress. Brb, finding that Rachael Ray episode he was on.

5. Holla in the wind. Ok but while I can be a bit facetious about my John worship, I am a genuine Heather Thomson fan. Fun fact: The Bitchy Witches tend to agree with most of our housewives opinions within reason, but the only great divide we have ever had is on Heather. She could never be my favourite because RHONY is too stacked but she is still very good! Anyway, I loved her showing up to Carole’s event to be supportive (to women!) and literally just hitting the nail on the head with Bethenny. Speaking of, then at Ramona’s party she hit the nail right on the head as well.

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6. Rehearsal and friends. The Countess, against all odds, seems to really have a hit on her hands. I’m not sure if people just come to see a 9 foot tall American Indian princess in the flesh or if cabaret is really that popular, but she is still touring and selling out venues. I’d be first in line when she gets that probation finished up so she can cross the border into Mexico. More than anything though, I want the full uncut scene of nightmare Sonja attempting to just say “yeah yeah yeah” instead of learning any of her lines.

 

Lows:

1. Denim downer. So original, I know. Sonja certainly keeps showing up to snag a few pairs of jeans that she can toss on the bonfire that heat the townhouse, but count me out. I was searching my memory of this season and I can this is now the second Ramona event she has skipped out on (and she didn’t invite her to the jeans event), and she also didn’t go to Carole’s party either. While I certainly support a complete slashing of Bethenny’s screen time, it’s pretty hard to deny the claims about her lack of support for the other women.

2. Stick to writing, writer-girl. It did give us a hilarious Tinsley sobfest, but that was some weird armchair psych given by Carole about her abusive relationships preparing her for…a boat disaster? Keep it light Carole, it’s not that deep.

3. Seriously. The one Bethenny dig that really fired me up was when she claimed that Carole takes herself very seriously. I mentally launched into all three of these Ramonaisms because I could not handle the delusion. Bethenny is nothing but love and light right? She never takes herself too seriously. Nope, not at all.

 

3 thoughts on “Highs and Lows: There’s No Place Like Home – RHONY

  1. Heather’s cameo was POETIC in all sincerity. She accentuated the grace of Carole’s departure as another woman who stepped away from the fray in the face of obnoxious Bethenny histrionics (and yes I believe them both that they quit, even though we’re supposed to believe that Bethenny Frankel is *literally the only person ever to quit RHONY in history*). She symbolized Carole’s return to the fun person she was in S5-7 before Bethenny replaced Heather in her life and sucked her into a little mean girl gruesome twosome. And I feel like the show itself acknowledged that Heather was right all along about Bethenny, and that Heather (and by extension Carole) are just much more real and grounded. Sorry Hollahaters, Heather Thomson is lowkey an icon of the program.

    I’m just dying at the mental gymnastics Bethenny is hurling herself through to create a logical universe where Carole + Tinsley = bad and superficial and immature, Bethenny + Sonja = natural and sensible and compatible. Yes you’re basically the same wacky fun chick okay love. You know she vomited a little in her mouth when she had to pretend to take Sonja’s fashion career seriously. Mmm yes Ramona’s businesses are fake, not like yours *and Sonja’s* I agree.

    The cabaret rehearsal clips were literally excerpted from Arrested Development, if I’m not mistaken.

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