Finally a Pizzagate I can get behind.
Well there’s Season 3 wrapped up, minus the reunion (yes Monique kill them kill kill kill). In this strange dreamscape where Potomac is suddenly Good Now, who were the ultimate stars of the season and who should pack it up and head home to their sad condo? Uh, ahem.
This Episode: Were we really served a Robyn scene that was essentially just a recap of a previous Robyn scene? This shit is beyond parody now, especially when you throw in Robyn’s takeaway from this season being that she and Juan are ready to start thinking about being more serious…but definitely not marrying yet no sir! Girl name an episode where that wasn’t where you two stood already. (Well okay there’s the one where Juan vented to some random producer that he CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE teehee but other than that.)
This Season: This was arguably Robyn’s best season, simply by virtue of the fact that the editors gave her sub-Charrisse airtime. Yes, you just watched Robyn’s best season; let that sink in.
This Episode: Sorta feels like Gizelle was barely in this episode, so let’s use this space to reflect on the fact that she and Brandi Redmond were on WWHL tonight. Lake Superior couldn’t quench that much collective thirst.
This Season: It’s in my nature to give even the worst Housewives a new chance to win my heart with every new season, so I’ve inevitably had a Sisyphean relationship with Gizelle. Yet again she has shown us signs of panache, only to regress into her basic Green-Eyed Bandit bullshit. I suppose I’m numb to it by now but she really is such a tale of wasted potential. P.S. can you please just stop dating it’s getting embarrassing.
This Episode: Get. A. DIVORCE!!! Whatever I’m done talking about the creepier-by-the-episode Michael Darby, except to note the fabulously daft concept of a couple who were born four decades apart throwing a “dress like the decade you were born in” theme party.
This Season: We’re firmly into the growing pains portion of Ashley’s career, where she can’t rely on being the prettiest or most fun or most rootable Housewife on the show. Her solo footage is becoming an ever-bigger drag on her entertainment potential; I think she thinks we’re more interested in her marriage drama than we are. And while I of course enjoy a Housewife who’s deeply committed to trolling, it’s not as good a look when directed at a Monique rather than a Robyn.
This Episode: Candiace used Paperless Post for her engagement party invitations you guys I used to work there!!! But I got laid off…so I’m glad they didn’t get mentioned by name on the show ☺.
This Season: I don’t know how the general viewership or production feels about Candiace, but I really like her, I hope she gets a second season, and I think she’s got sooo much potential for being fucking crazy going forward. Let her reeeally get to know these ladies; I think it ends in a bloodbath.
🚨🚨🚨🚨 IMPORTANT UPDATE 🚨🚨🚨🚨
URGENT! Please disregard the finale follow up note that read “Chris rubs lavender oil on my belly everyday.” This is NOT accurate, as it is very dangerous to rub essential oils on a pregnant stomach! Please share this message! #rhop #finale #essentialoils #notforlazymoms
— Monique Samuels (@iammrssamuels) August 6, 2018
This Episode: Also a quiet Mo episode, so I suppose I’ll just say I wish her well on the new fetus.
This Season: All in all a pretty successful second season for Monique, even if she (naturally) faced a bit more resistance to her gentle under-the-radar scheming and general charm offensives. It’s easy to forget that she nearly killed herself drunk driving and nearly killed Robyn Dixon with an umbrella in this very season, and I admire Housewives who can cast that sort of amnesia spell over you (Ramona Singer I see you boo).
This Episode: “Ashley and Karen have the same exact fight about Karen’s finances for the 500th time” is absolutely my favorite genre of screwball odd-couple comedy. Although watch out, Ash; the producers themselves are rapidly rising in the ranks of Karen Huger sparring partners.
This Season: What can I say here? This was one of the finest one-season performances a Housewife has ever graced us with. She was messy, she was witty, she was delusional. She lied her ass off about nearly every aspect of her life (you could convince me that Karen is not her real name at this point). She held an imaginary press conference at which the only food served was peanuts (unshelled) and participants were absolutely not allowed to use the provided pencils and paper to record her statements. Karen is the Queen of Potomac, who fucking cares if she doesn’t live there.