Is everyone ready to relive the epic tale of DeShawn Snow and Lisa Wu Hartwell???
Main Storyline: Her husband plays…a sport…and…has to retire from it…? Also she hires household staff it’s all very exciting.
Pros: Most disastrous Housewives event in history The Night of a Thousand Stars, a charity gala through which DeShawn aimed to raise a million dollars, but couldn’t even auction off a day with LeBron and ultimately drummed up a cool $0.
Cons: DeShawn is remembered as an infamous one-and-done bore for a reason. Her storylines are dull, she acts like a child playing grown-up, she’s a pious bore who attends a megachurch…I think it says it all that, had she made it to S2, her storyline would have been pursuing Masters in Divinity at an online college.
Main Storyline: Kim wants to be a singer. The rest is history.
Pros: I can’t stop caterwauling “Tightrope” in my best-worst Kim voice, and yet even trying to sing as poorly as she I’m not sure I can equal her exquisite talentlessness?!
Cons: Kim is maybe the most disgusting person I’ve seen on any of these shows (I just marathoned a dozen years of Vicki Gunvalson, mind), and I love it. I could watch her leech money from the mysterious Big Poppa, drink white wine in her convertible, and chain-smoke cigs from her fridge alllll daaaay loooong.
Main Storyline: Her husband is recovering from a…football…? injury? And she’s a realtor…I think.
Pros: Less boring than DeShawn? Honestly her anti-Kim reunion screed is the only good thing I can think of, and it was very good! But other than that my God.
Cons: Let’s put it this way: the lived experience of Jeana Keough didn’t exactly get me revved up for a deeper exploration of the real estate world.
Main Storyline: “Taking a DNA” to learn her real parentage; being subjected to the machinations of two-headed demon Kim and Shereé.
Pros: I have to give credit to NeNe for sharing her journey toward discovering that her father is not, in fact, her biological father. It was a legitimately emotional storyline and I always admire a Housewife who’ll really go for it with the raw and real stuff right on camera.
Cons: Otherwise NeNe mildly annoys me already! The mitigating factor is that most of her disdain is targeted at Kim, who deserves to be shit on more than maybe any other living human, but even so.
Main Storyline: Commencing work on She by Shereé, which will be out in the world by Fall 2009.
Pros: Watching Shereé’s plan to pry Kim from NeNe through insincere flattery succeed flawlessly because, well, it’s Kim, is truly a beautiful experience. Other than that I also very much enjoy her endlessly microaggressing (well, not so micro if we’re honest) her various hirelings.
Cons: One could argue that throwing a fashion show without any, uh, actual fashions is a negative, but fortunately our Shereé is an enterprising person.
Next time: Kim’s wig requires some adjustment.