💫STAR SEARCH💫: The Real Housewives of Orange County, S13E02

Slap on your pearls and your best fur; it’s time to salvage a broken friendship, then immediately break another one.

Gina

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CAWFEE!!!!!! LOLOLOLOLOL. No really she seems fine. Not a lot to chew on for the time being though.

Rating: ⭐⭐ –  Oh! Except for her husband who doesn’t live in the OC even. I wonder where this is going.

Kelly

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Ooh, so we’re jumping right into Michaelgate, huh? I’m always in favor of Kelly screeching and sobbing and carrying so I of course support this. Also this is a comically quick turnaround on the whole “Vicki discards you the second she no longer needs you” trope. Narrative economy at last!

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐ –  Next week: Jolie is appointed the Avery Singer Memorial Lecturer on Comforting Emotionally Stunted Adults.

Shannon

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Not really in this episode, alas. Gonna go ahead and assume there’s a explicit codicil to her contract stating that she herself must invite Vicki to Puerto Vallarta.

Rating: ⭐⭐ –  Distilled water: don’t leave home without it.

Tamra

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Sure, she and Eddie were mere accessories to yet another glorious Vicki performance, but it’s always good to have some amused/amazed/baffled/scared straight men to react to any Vicki performance, so kudos.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐ –  Shout out to the Signature Drinks synergy the Judges gave us by preemptively ordering Vicki her Vickitini.

Vicki

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All hail our Satanic Majesty! Thank God Tamra and Shannon swallowed their pride to inflict this beast upon themselves and America for the *lightning strike* thirteenth time, because what a bounty this episode was. You had the typical Vicki bullshit where even as she knew she had to swallow her pride and apologize she was ****still**** dwelling on whatever esoteric wrongs Tamra and Eddie had done to her half a decade ago, sure, but that’s not all! Because even now in the year of our Lord 2018 Vicki Gunvalson is adding to her arsenal of uproarious terror with a handwritten set of quotes from Deuteronomy Duderonomy about forgiving those you have trespassed against even if they also trespassed against you by calling you a con woman even though you were the one who was scammed but whatever never mind that I just wanna be us again. If only my bar mitzvah lessons had been this godly; I might not have eaten that salami sandwich for dinner.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ –  Vicki is so great that her casually blowing up her friendship with Kelly by secretly going on double dates with Michael and his new gofo was her B-plot. LEGEND.

Emily

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This weird-ass…”my husband was my Mormon boss and proposed to me over Gchat” thing seems promisingly weird, but until we start hearing rumors of his getting his dick sucked at The Round-Up or a Round-Up equivalent I’m not about it. Also her general demeanor and physiognomy is unsettling.

Rating: ⭐ –  Shane looks like somebody pickled Diko Sulahian discuss.

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