Alcohol is ever-present on the Real Housewives. It’s the fuel for most of the best confrontations and meltdowns and for that we give it our eternal thanks. This ranking is not a list of swill that the housewives shill, but rather the drinks we see them guzzling back that truly embody their character. Bottoms up.
9. Beer – Kelly Bensimon (RHONY)
Were boozy gummy bears a thing back in 2010? Could have explained Scary Island, but I digress. While Kelly usually seemed to prefer a cocktail of whatever imbalanced chemicals were floating around her brain, when she did choose to drink on occasion it had to be beer. No, no, Kelly is not like all those prissy boring girls who only drink vodka and champagne. She needs the beer to go with her steady diet of chicken wings and other down-to-earth, Midwestern-girl foods. It gets her into Playboy shape so who am I to argue? But actually, I don’t really like beer so it lands her at the bottom of this ranking!
8. “French champagne” – Jackie Gillies (RHOMelbourne)
Champagne is an omnipresent beverage across all franchises. Between it’s low calorie count and perceived status it’s the perfect glass of pretentious bubbly for these rich bitches, especially the boorish, tacky, new-money fools that are the Gillies. In season one my favourite rock royalty couple was out for dinner and Jackie made sure to announce to the entire restaurant just how fresh from the bogan-verse she was when she asked the waitress for their best “french champagne” and made a point of just how expensive it was. Sorry Dubrow, I’m not about your “champs” love. Honourable mention does go to Anne Batley-Burton for being the only legitimate champagne snob I enjoy.
7. Margarita – Kyle Richards (RHOBH)
Sour, on the rocks, and basic, just like her. Kyle often orders a margarita when they are out which makes sense because they can be made skinny enough (get the fuck out of here, Frankel!! not yours) to be a Beverly Hills drink. I like margaritas, as does every human on earth, but they just aren’t unique enough to be the a top signature drink.
6. Champagne and St. Germain – Nene Leakes (RHOA)
The early seasons of Atlanta were littered with scenes of the ladies drinking white wine in bland beige basements/party rooms. Nene even had a Moscato venture at some point which we all know is literally the most basic of wines, saccharine syrupy goop that it is. As her star has risen, so have her tastes. Now most frequently you’ll catch her requesting champagne with St. Germain which is an elderflower liqueur. I’m not sure how that combination tastes but probably pretty good. Bonus points for the rhyme.
5. White wine – Kim Zolciak Biermann (RHOA)
Preferably served in a red solo cup or whilst driving. Again, back in the early years of ATL Kim was never seen without a vessel of vino and a pack of cigarettes. Somewhere in Atlanta, Sweetie is waking up from a nightmare in a cold sweat after hearing Kim’s voice screeching her name and demanding a top up.
4. Malibu Bay Breeze – Teresa Giudice (RHONJ)
Being the red-blooded Italian that she is, Teresa and the fambily were always seen slugging back bottle after bottle of red. Blink and you might have missed it, but Teresa wasn’t always just about Fabellini or red wine. During season 3’s eponymous Posche fashion show the wives were modeling themselves in the heydays of Kim D. and Kim G. Teresa’s heart wasn’t in the moment and she braced herself for a Kathy Wakile attack (presumably throwing cannolis) by slurping back more MBBs. I had never heard of this cocktail but it’s just a Malibu pineapple with a splash of cranberry. Sounds delicious and I’ll drink anything with the stench of Kim G. lingering on it.
Pinot Grigio – Ramona Singer (RHONY)
“I would like two things now – this is my new thing. I would like a tall glass of ice water but in a stem glass, with a straw, very light vodka, like a half vodka shot on ice, club soda, three limes and a straw, and another tall wine glass.”
Sure, Ramona’s incessent demand for Pinot Grigio at every and any event she is attending is as ubiquitous as that other Anorexia Swill product’s presence. But I had a Pinot on my head moment when she met up with Tinsley at Beautique in season 9 to teach her how to meet men and ordered the above quoted drink. This drink is so much more Ramona. Wine is simple. This cocktail is needlessly arduous for the help to assist her with, and just an elaborately drawn out version of a very simple drink. Never change, Singer.
2. Vodka soda with lots of lime – Shannon Beador (RHOC)
It’s a common cocktail for any woman watching her calories/carbs so the vodka soda is present on most housewife franchises. I’m pretty sure the “Skinny Bitch” drink the ladies of Sydney enjoyed so much was also just a vodka soda with lime! Still, nobody can come close to the iconic consumption of Shannon. Presumably 90% vodka, 3% soda and 7% lime juice, Shannon loves Grey Goose or Tito’s in her cocktail of choice along with at least 4 wedges of lime. Hope she’s sent her regards to Ramona for creating her signature drink this summer.
1. Dirty martini with blue cheese stuffed olives – Vicki Gunvalson (RHOC)
I can’t think of a drink that disgusts me more than this cocktail. I hate blue cheese AND olives AND olive juice in my drink and I’m not super stoked on vodka if I can taste it. And yet, here it is topping my ranking. Why? This drink has been used in so many overt machinations of people vying for Vicki’s favour. I distinctly remember Gretchen ordering it offhand around season 5 and when everyone pointed out that it’s Vicki’s signature drink, her pretending she had no idea. Like fucking okay, Gretchen, sure you just casually started loving these and aren’t desperately trying to fit in. Years later in the Brooksgasm era of OC, Brooks was always ordering up these for the two of them. Notable why? Tamra said Vicki only ever drinks them while filming so Brooks was only doing this because of how much he studied Vicki on the show before making his move. That powerful of a drink is why I give it the top woo-hoo in this ranking.