💫STAR SEARCH💫: The Real Housewives of Potomac, S03E16

In a perfect world, every Housewives season would have a Bus Ride from Hell.

Karen

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Is Karen even capable of NOT delivering at this point? She keeps her wedding ring in her hoo-ha (that means “vagina”) for safe-keeping. She barks argument instructions to her protégées from downstairs in between taking selfie-stick selfies. She berates her peers’ marriages in vans speeding along French highways. The Grand Dame continues to hold center court.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ –  Holy shit I’m so excited that we’ve finally arrived at the Pizza Delivery.

Monique

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I compleeetely believe that she roped Kyndall in to get revenge on Gizelle, with or without Charrisse’s help; wouldn’t you, after all? Yet again, though, she got away with it. Bon anniversaire, boo.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐ –  Slightly disappointed that she apologized for trying to murder Robyn Dixon with an umbrella. What jury would convict her?

Robyn

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Did she even utter more than four sentences in this episode? I don’t know guys. Same shit different day. I guess reenacting a near-umbrella choking as a light-hearted joke a few months after it happened is notionally funny.

Rating: ⭐ –  Seriously though you gotta demote her.

Ashley

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Once again, separation from Michael and her mom has done Ashley good, as she draws upon her PhD in Hugerology to poke thousands of holes in Karen’s life story. In discussing it amongst ourselves, we Witches decided that Karen/Ashley is our fave Potomac relationship; it reads veeery All About Eve, whether you want to view Karen as Margo and Ashley as Eve or (as I prefer) Karen as Eve and Ashley as Phoebe. Man this got real classic gay cinema real fast didn’t it.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ –  The preview for next episode has me cautiously optimistic that Ashley will announce her divorce at the reunion. Pull a Beador, Ash!

Candiace

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Goddd what a disaster. I adore Candiace, and even I have to admit she cannot express herself reasonably at allll. Which is so weird, because she’s fairly well-spoken and self-aware in her confessionals. I suppose the real issue is that Gizelle and Robyn are skilled enough at microaggression that someone new to their tactics will inevitably wind up flustered by them. Pretty fucking funny, regardless.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ –  Oh also she told Ashley to suck a dick teehee!

Gizelle

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Boy am I exhausted by Gizelle, and so of course I deeply appreciated seeing Monique just as exhausted I was in that opening scene. Buuut I will grudgingly give her points for harping relentlessly on Karen’s wedding ring weirdness (even when, as the editors demonstrated because they hate her too, she was lying). Somebody’s gotta do the Lord’s work of provoking Karen into ever more ridiculous self-justifications. Uh, when Ashley isn’t doing it.

Rating: ⭐ –  We didn’t need that FaceTime moment with her daughter, though. We get it, she’s a mom. She still mostly sucks.

4 thoughts on “💫STAR SEARCH💫: The Real Housewives of Potomac, S03E16

  1. The way Karen was hilariously coaching Candiace feels like pseudo-foreshadowing to their alliance at the reunion. Love it though.

    1. I’m glad they’re all finding their place in the meta-narrative now, instead of just squabbling about someone using the wrong spoon to eat their minestrone.

  2. So I guess Cha-Cha can point to this episode as the moment her & Monique’s friendship died a death.

    Karen just keeps giving me greatness, lawd. When will Andy Cohen recognise?

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