💫STAR SEARCH💫: The Real Housewives of Orange County, S13E01

The Big Four are reset to factory conditions, and Gretchen sends a zombie from the past to haunt the OC.

Emily

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There’s something deeply unsettling yet strangely apt about a friend of Gretchen and Ricky popping up in this new era of Vicki/Tamra detente. That she was estranged from Tamra is promising; her solo footage was not. (Though let it be known I’m always in for a Housewife married to a hobbit beta ~3 inches shorter than she is in heels. Holla!)

Rating: ⭐⭐ –  I’m deeply disappointed in myself that my eagle eye didn’t notice her brief cameo back in 2014(?), but I suppose it was no “David Beador slams back shots with Meghan King Edmonds” at the end of the day.

Kelly

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I am loving slutty divorced Kelly already. Who cares if the men you’re dating are lame, fuck ’em and chuck ’em girl! Oh hey, Jolie, didn’t see you there. (I’m sure Jolie’s well-practiced in tuning out Kelly/Vicki sex talk, to be honest; I’m only surprised that she thinks Kelly can help her with math problems.)

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ –  Making Shannon and Vicki perform a ropes course is truly inspired.

Shannon

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Everyone was very themselves this episode (well no I have no idea about Emily, who is probably a hologram; “everyone who counts,” I should say) but no one more than Shannon Beador. Her emotional ring removal morphing into physical comedy was surpassed only by the pure physical comedy of the ropes course. Make Shannon perform physical activity in every episode, I say.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ –  Seeing Vicki and Shannon film a one-on-one scene was mind-blowing. I think I left nail marks in my armchair.

Tamra

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I’m sure Eddie’s heart condition is wrenching and deeply stressful, but at the very least it absolves Tamra of having to generate her own tearjerker storyline out of thin air this year. Other than that, she put in some solid support work; I won’t be commenting on her new house because after marathoning twelve seasons of this I am sick to death of house footage, other than to say that I like her pool area as seen on Instagram Stories.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ –  “Hey so this bitch you hate wants to be on the show.” “I’ll get more airtime because of her right?” “Ya.” “K.” Ever a pro, our Tamra.

Vicki

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Vicki’s episode was all about her relationships with Steve (which yes, nail this one down, you’re never gonna do better) and Shannon and Tamra (prediction: she’ll fall out with Shannon by the finale, while her Tamra fallout isn’t scheduled until mid-Season 14). OH also she ate it off a bench hahahahahaha.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ –  Taylor just reminded me that Steve Lodge is Roger Lodge’s brother and as a result I’ve spent the last twelve hours trapped in 2003.

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5 thoughts on “💫STAR SEARCH💫: The Real Housewives of Orange County, S13E01

  1. This wasn’t a top tier season starter but solid nonetheless. The rope exercise scene was gold, kind of epitomised what our core four women are all about.

    Emily seems alright but supposedly Gina is thirsty af so I await her screen time with baited breath.

    1. I hope Gina has more than one party trick than that Joisey Accent. I am already done with hearing it.

      Speaking of another ‘Gina’ — Emily reminds me of a young Jeana Keough in terms of physicality. While that may send a chill down the spine of this blog, I hope it bodes well for this frenemtship with Tamra. Jeana enraged Tamra like no other!

      Vicki and Shannon are crazy alike. That amateur dramatics hour on the ropes course when they tried to out-screech each other? Lol.

      1. “This chick looks like jeana keough and kelly dodd had a kid” was Taylor’s description. I do agree that I hope for a true frenemyship here; much as I love Tamra’s evolution over time, I do miss the middle-era, Nancy Sinatra-haired Tamra who’d eviscerate a bitch for looking at her wrong.

        1. “That’s. My. OPIIIN. YUN!!!!” I too miss Feral Tamra sometimes. That rage was so primal — and weirdly relatable? lol maybe just me.

          I disliked Tamra for a long time, and it took me a while to realize that (a) Tamra is the HW we need, not necessarily the one we have to adore, and (b) even at her meanest, cruellest worst, she spoke sense. I mean, who pegged Brooks from the get-go? Tamra did (along with the audience) — all the other HWs were toeing the line and saying Brooks farted flowers and rainbows. Who guessed that Gretchen was cuckolding her dying, elderly fiancé Jeff on the regular? Tamra did. Who told Alexis she was a dumb fake? Tamra. Was she wrong in any of those instances? No.

          She may be in a less angry place now, but she still lets the bitch come out to play. Just ask her about Jim Bellino, lol.

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