Walter White? Don Draper? Fuck ’em. Vicki Gunvalson is the greatest prestige drama anti-hero in television history.
Main Storyline: Her enormous new house is over budget in the amount of Uruguay’s GNP.
Pros: I’ll never partiiicularly care for Mrs. Dubrow, but for once her obnoxious doctor’s wife credentials and innate snobbery went to good use as she had to abandon the middle ground and finally, exasperatedly informed Vicki that oh my God you’re full of shit just fess up woman!!!! I’ll add that her affixing leeches to her abdomen 24 hours before a party for inexplicable famewhore reasons has grown on me over time.
Cons: Literally nobody on this planet should have a house that big and it’s BORING to hear about regardless! HOW can cabinets cost over 600 thousand dollars by the way????? Like I literally don’t understand. Are they made of gold-plated iridium?!!?!?!?!!?!?!?!!?!?!?
Main Storyline: By day, a mild-mannered baseball wife and harried stepmother. By night, The Oncologician, dedicated to rooting out cancer fakes across the world.
Pros: There’s no better running joke I’ve ever encountered than Vicki and/or Brooks making some dodgy claim about Brooks’s health, only for MKE to pop up and announce that she has (select one) phoned/emailed/faxed/telegraphed his (select one) primary care physician/diagnostic imaging service/aggrieved ex-girlfriend/dæmonic familiar to immediately expose the lie.
Cons: Already with the bad solo footage. There have been some gloriously (and not-so-gloriously) bad relationships on this program, but I’ve never witnessed one as inexplicable and chemistry-free as the union of Meghan King and Jim Edmonds. It actually makes me disbelieve the gay rumors about him, because someone who had bothered to hire a beard would presumably put in more of an effort.
Main Storyline: (Rightfully) emotionally blackmailing David for his infidelity, (rightfully) emotionally blackmailing Vicki for her disloyalty, mistakenly coming to believe that she has broken off the three-inch plastic tip of a portable colonic in her rectum wait what.
Pros: Shannon, to me, is the emotional core of…well, of all of history to this date, but more specifically of the Cancer Scam. Seeing her eyes slowly open to Vicki’s myriad betrayals led to exactly the sort of righteous Shannon tear that I’ve already come to love in just two short (okay long-as-fuck) seasons. The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward Beador.
Cons: Okay but just divorce him it’ll be fine Shannon I promise.
Main Storyline: What do you get the woman who has had every storyline? Why, a place in Heaven at the right hand of Jesus, of course!
Pros: Fuck the Western literary canon. Tamra, Vicki, and Briana muttering tearful accusations *and* affirmations at each other over hot mics during a reunion break at the conclusion of four years of Brooks-generated trauma was the climax of human art.
Cons: Can we agree that Protestantism is boring? I am SORRY it is. Fortunately Tamra has of this writing already moved onto the religion of bodybuilding, or whatever she’s decided on as her S13 storyline, like fuckin dirigibles or herpetology or running for State Senate or whatever.
Main Storyline: There wasn’t really a lot going on with her this season,
Pros: Oh, I don’t know, perpetuated a literal cancer scam on national television?!?!?!!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!? We should all get down on our knees and thank the Lord (or Satan or both?!) that fate arranged for the meeting of a blindingly narcissistic monster at the height of her self-delusion and an unctuous scammer pervert straight outta the B-plot of a lesser Faulkner novel. The reveal that Brooks pretending his pancreatitis was pancreatic cancer nearly convinced Vicki to leave Donn during season 3!!!!!!!! was enough to make me gasp my soul out.
Cons: Gonna ignore the easy joke here…anyway, would referring to her own daughter as a bitch and shit-stirrer, gaslighting all her friends for pointing out the obvious manipulation and abuse her boyfriend is heaping on her, and literally describing herself as Jesus on the cross constitute a con? I didn’t think so.
Next time: Well gosh how does Vicki get out of this pickle?