First Contact: The Real Housewives of Orange County, Season 9

If you’re reading this over wifi, please disconnect it immediately and immerse yourself in a bathtub full of colloidal silver.

Heather

heather dubrow hawaii five-o

Main Storyline: I don’t want this site to get hit with any sort of copyright violation torts, but if you’re willing to take the risk yourself search YouTube for “gaslight full movie.”

Pros: I have virtually nothing nice to say about Heather’s heel turn this season, so let’s go with this: her choice of a black dress for the intro and severe bangs for the reunion were excellent visual accompaniments to her newfound evil.

Cons: Welcome to Hell!!!!!! Heather is a fucking nightmare condescension beast this season, lecturing people on the proper temperature of red wine or how they need to buy a thesaurus because they’re too dumb to understand her immense vocabulary (she mispronounces “timbre” at the reunion, by the by~). I don’t know or honestly care why she has such a fucking bug up her ass about Shannon Beador (my main theory: the Beadors are worth more) but she messed with the wrong woman; how many crystals do you have in your teeth, Dubrow??????

Lizzie

lizzie rovsek bathing suit

Main Storyline: Alexis Couture didn’t die for this string bikini bullshit. IDK also some other shit, doughy husband, frustrated by her kids, go look up Jules Wainstein on Wikipedia IDK~

Pros: She was nice to Shannon.

Cons: You guys I kinda HATED Lizzie Rovsek? Yes, I know, “who,” but even so. It’s not necessarily that she so relentlessly came for Tamra, because honestly (spoiler) Tamra had it coming, but like…ugh. Her solo footage was boring as shit, her talking heads were trite and self-satisfied, and lady let’s not pretend you’re some champion of Shannon Beador Shannon Beador only needs one person on this Earth and that person is Dr. Moon. Taking on Shannon’s righteous cause of being done dirty by Tamra and making it into her cause of being butthurt that nobody came to her fucking lame birthday party was obnox sorry not sorry. I feel like I could say more but I can barely be bothered to remember anything else about Mrs. Elizabeth Rovsek so I guess maybe I relate more to Tamra than I’m admitting.

Shannon

shannon beador holistic dr. moon

Main Storyline: Just a normal girl-next-door who every now and then enjoys a shot of vodka with an enormous glass of Perrier at dinner so don’t you DARE imply that she’s an alcoholic Heather Dubrow!!!!!!!!!!.

Pros: “I’M A CONTRADICTION…I WANT TO LIVE IN A NON-TOXIC ENVIRONMENT…YET I DRIVE AN ESCALADE 🤔 I WANNA BE HEALTHY…BUT I DON’T EXERCISE!!! 🤔 I DON’T MAKE SENSE 🙂” I don’t know that there’s much I could independently say about my love of Shannon Beador. It transcends mere words. Perhaps she saved my nation in a past life.

Cons: LEAVE SHANNON BEADOR ALONE YOU MONSTERS. I confess that it was hard for me sometimes to witness the extent of the gaslighting and BULLYING inflicted upon our heroine, but know that she avenged herself through a masterful, glare-filled reunion performance. And now she will coast easily through all remaining seasons of this show.

Tamra

tamra judge robot baby astro

Main Storyline: Alternates  between being a two-faced piece of shit to one and all and experiencing wrenching drama over her desire to raise one last child and her fear of letting go of her oldest one. Basically the overall Tamra experience, but on PCP.

Pros: Tamra’s pure malevolent loathing of one LIZZIE ROVSEK was beautiful to witness, aligned with my own feelings, and quite possibly got the wretched creature fired from this show, so bless you, Mme. Judge. We also got a few great (sexually charged hellooooo) Vickra arguments in there too, and I’m forever about that. This entire show is THEIR story, everyone else is just a guest star (except Shannon who is a prophet sent by Yahweh Herself).

Cons: [Ramona]IN ALL SINCERITY[/Ramona] I was disappointed by Tamra’s showing this season. She’s usually pretty strategically astute, and even when she isn’t she knows how to power through with sheer force of personality/vulgarity. But I think losing Alexis AND Gretchen really fucked with her sense of directional conflict, and she wound up floundering for targets. Don’t turn on obvious fan favo Shannon! Don’t flip back to obvious villain Heather after you’ve already set up a hit on her life! UGH I just wanted to be there to coach her. Hopefully somebody else steps in to fill the villain slot. And now, apropos of alphabetical order only, we move on to

Vicki

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Main Storyline: Vicki’s last season spent as a non-demon is actually pretty cleverly deployed, as she sits back and lets her supposed newly-recovered best-friendship with Tamra corrode into nothing in the interest of sneaking Brooks back into her life. It’s disguuuuusting but she gives great talking heads so I’ll allow it. Also yknow karma is coming for her in…how many episodes…?

Pros: (Opportunistically) defending Shannon was nice of her, and blaming Tamra for turning Briana on Brooks(!!!) was…uh, something. Breathtaking…ly audacious? A beautiful horrorscape? I don’t know, something.

Cons: We’re now well into the era where everything and I mean everything that Vicki says or does is foreshadowing. Never mind the Brooks shit; at the reunion we learn that she had threatened to concoct rumors about Eddie if Tamra didn’t shut her mouth about Mr. Ayers and uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh……….

Next time: 

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