^ Me watching RHONY every week.
1. Satoko. Considering we’re in the throes of a nightmare Sonja season, it’s about time we start seeing more of the OG Team Sonja pop up. I think I literally gasped when Satoko graced my screen. Despite their scene being completely superfluous it was indeep worth every minute of screentime. Please give me several minutes every week, heck an hour even, of Satoko shaming Sonja for rehoming her pets and then talking about how you keep the vagina clean when you’re boning multiple guys.
2. Soundtrack. The music was on point this week. The festive tunes as everyone started rolling into the Berkshires were delightful if not ominous given what we know will go down in this house. Later on as the murder mystery kicks in we get some fun jingly mystery music too. The RHONY editors never fuck it up.
3. Snowglobes. Speaking of things I could watch for hours, give me more of Ramona playing with “snowballs” as if she had never seen them in her life. Dorinda’s decorating was especially lit this year.
4. Damage deposit. I about died when Sonja started photographing their room so they could document any prior damage to their arrival. Luann already seemed wasted so it was probably for the best.
5. Making it nice. This week I really credit Dorinda with keeping the Carole/Bethenny conflict from being swept under the rug. From the dinner where she slurred out all of Bethenny’s gossiping to live at the party dinner table she was making sure things got brought out publicly with plenty of witnesses.
6. Big reveals. Of course Ramona immediately spilled the details on the assistant threatening Feathersby. Of course she has no idea how a murder mystery party really works. The whole actual process of the party was hilarious to me. Everyone was more excited to dress up and goof around in their character than to actually play the game. Which is fine! It gave us so many character moments because it turns out that they cannot not be themselves 100% of the time. Then after all the preamble Dorinda immediately solves the case so that they can get to eating and fighting already.
7. Jeanne Menage. MVP of the murder mystery character was obviously Luann. Swanning in last with that accent hamming it up was a riot. As the night progressed and she got drunker the accent kept changing until she was just talking in a jagged, stilted pattern with no accent at all. As soon as the assistant died she was in there giving mouth to mouth like the single Lu we know and love. I wonder if they do pirate parties?
8. Berkshires 1.0. This one was for all of us hollaheads and fans of Ramona at her worst. Don’t forget that we didn’t first venture to the Berkshires with Dorinda. That whole flashback reel of Ramona being a nightmare at Heather’s house gave me such joy and pleasure. Then the whole “that woman,” “the woman” semantics were perfect Ramona as well.
9. Shut down. Thank god Carole is able to stay cool, calm, and collected because I think I was shaking with rage at Bethenny on her behalf. She really is the best person to take down B, Ramona is once again right as always. She managed to dodge all of the gaslighting and call out B’s fucked up tactics about the minutiae. I regret ever wishing she got the axe, because this is the best feud RHONY has had in years…and RHONY does not lack for good feuds.
1. Snowmies. Okay Bethenny, you got us. You’re so much smarter than all the other housewives. So much more hip, too! That’s why you’re wearing this breaking edge “chilling with my snowmies” sweater. Good thing you’ve always been so well versed in that “black” talk so you definitely know what homies means and have no problem tossing it around like the whitest bitch in the room. Let’s just keep hammering it in and making a big deal about it. Jokes are so funny when you need to be hit over your head with them. That sweater was a fucking kell-amity of taste, though. Almost as bad as those hideous jeans she’s hawking.
2. Narrator. Did anyone else notice that Bethenny got ALL of the talking heads narrating the party? RHONY producers/editors are usually on point but come on. Someone else could have contributed something considering B’s talking heads are not and never have been particularly funny or witty. Bethenny overload is a bad thing.
3. Gaslit. Uh, congrats B. You have managed to make yourself the most unlikeable we have ever seen which is saying something considering your history since returning to this show. She made the rookie mistake of bringing up the puppet comment which segued into the Adam bullshit. I could see the look in her face during the Carole confrontation and it reminds me of my face when I’m lying about something but squinting off into the distance pretending I’m trying to remember if I said that shit. I call it the Lisa Rinna. Then the panic kicked in when she realized she couldn’t get out of this one with her semantics and tried to act like Carole was being crazy. The tides are turning B, you aren’t bulletproof.