My quest to watch every housewives franchise has brought me all the way to Cheshire. Join me as I dip my toes in across the pond, why don’t you?
I have to admit my ignorance when it comes to wealthy enclaves outside of North America. Prior to this viewing I couldn’t have placed Cheshire on the map of England. And they say we don’t learn anything from reality television? I learned quite a few things upon my first introduction to this cast as well…
Introduced as the alpha of Cheshire society, Dawn has the successful interior design business, the former footballer husband, the perfect (citation needed) four kids, and a dedicated army of ladies in waiting. Her frosty demeanor and penchant for talking shit means she gets into it with pretty much everyone this season. She spends much of her time hounding her daughter for her failures at whatever expensive ventures she pursues (singing, equestrian). All season her solo storyline revolves around her impending hysterectomy and her going on at length about how she’s going to freeze her eggs to have more kids via surrogacy. After droning on about her womb for an entire season, it’s revealed that she actually doesn’t need this hysterectomy right now and all will carry on as normal. It’s my understanding that her hysterectomy is still a point of conversation in current Cheshire, so perhaps you might be experiencing fertility fatigue, but I found this pretty fucking funny.
Young, single and brimming with untapped crazy. Notable for her self-destructive taste in men, early in the season Ampika confesses during a dinner party that she’s a mistress and can’t handle all the fertility talk since her married man will never procreate with her. She spends the rest of her solo time with her ex-husband and their flirty but unromantic relationship reminds me of Ana Quincoces from Miami. Mid-season she decides to ice out Dawn from her salon’s anniversary party which she confesses to Dawn’s two hench-gays sparking a war. In one of the season’s most memorable moments, she calls Leanne out for “sucking up all of Dawn’s shit” like a hoover, complete with mime and sound effects. Her hatred of Dawn lends her to teaming up with Magali.
I had knowledge of Mama Magali coming into the show and I found her more low-key than expected her first season (season 2 though, I’ll get to it, don’t worry). Even though she was more subdued than her next showing, Magali was still a force to be reckoned with. She has the same Dutch arrogance I came to love in Yolanda and was an intimidating presence much as her tagline conveyed. She started off the season with a bang getting into it with Dawn over her charity gala’s tickets and also managed to make some vague (but true!) accusations about Leanne’s lapdancing past. All you really need to know is that Magali hates Dawn Ward with the power of 1000 burning suns and anytime they seem to be getting along she is merely plotting her next plan to ruin her.
Dawn’s henchwoman #1. Leanne’s an unremarkable WAG housewife. Not a particularly interesting person of her own merit, I struggle to remember if she had a solo storyline. There was a moment about her fertility as well but it was immediately overshadowed by Dawn’s hysterectomy woes. She did manage to get drawn into the drama on several occasions just by merit of being associated with Dawn.
There has to be some sort of Jennifer Coolidge gene prevalence in Cheshire because I noted a while back that Ester looked just like her in this promo. Well, if Ester got the looks, Lauren got the personality. She prides herself on being a born and raised Cheshire snob while veering towards clown-ish in appearance with her deep fake tan and bright red hair. Lauren was a revelation for me. She comes off as fluffy and fun bimbo who takes pride in spending her (slimeweasel) husband’s money however she wants. The truth is though, Lauren gives no fucks and will say anything that pops into her head. Brownie points to anyone who openly tells Dawn her fertility stories are boring as fuck. A loyal friend to Magali, she gets into it with Dawn on several occasions, usually because her husband is a mouthy fuck.
A moderately charming but boring WAG. A former ladmag girl turned housewife. Her entire solo storyline is about her search for a nanny and it leads to…her still not finding a nanny. She does briefly dust up with Dawn but aside from that, is firmly one of her flying monkeys but couldn’t even summon up as much drama as Leanne somehow did.