First Contact: The Real Housewives of Orange County, Season 7

TFW you’re asked to swear on the life of your unborn grandson that you didn’t fuck a stranger in Cabo San Lucas.

Alexis

alexis

Main Storyline: Having her nose removed from her face (or something like that) as part of her plastic surgery, in between shooting local television segments about The Sexualization of Toddlers and National Booty Week Month.

Pros: Can you even imagine being a regular Fox 5 viewer who knows nothing of the Real Housewives franchise and tuning in to see a life-size Malibu Stacy stammering through a segment about the many shapes of bootii?

Cons: I saw way too many bloody chunks of Alexis’s facial structure this season.

Gretchen

gretchen

Main Storyline: Training for and participating in a Pussycats Doll revue for which she is woefully underqualified (if you’re the talent agent who heard Gretchen’s squawk and immediately thought “I need to hear this voice performing ‘Fever'” I recommend a new trade).

Pros: I never bought the Tamra/Gretchen friendship per se, but that it coincides with Vicki dating Brooks creates a gorgeous unholy maelstrom that warps the fabric of the show forever. And now let us move swiftly on.

Cons: ANOTHER season of pretending that Slade’s gonna propose? I can’t believe you’re doing this to me while I’m already watching the purgatorial Dixon relationship in real time.

Heather

heather

Main Storyline: IDK, “being rich.”

Pros: Through her mere existence, driving Alexis into a death spiral of obnoxious flop-sweaty status anxiety that she will never truly recover from, much to our entertainment.

Cons: I’ll admit I laughed when Heather spent minutes rooting around a cabin in the woods expecting to find a red wine glass for her red wine, but other than that I could do without the prissiness. You were on Men Behaving Badly, hon; let’s not stand on ceremony.

Tamra

tamra

Main Storyline: Growing ever closer to the admittedly sweet ‘n’ sexy Eddie Judge and the decidedly not Gretchen Rossi at the unfortunate expense of her one true love, Vicki Gunvalson.

Pros: Watching Tamra slowly go mad with distrust and resentment toward Brooks before finally letting it all out over the subject of Evil Eyes is a glorious and cathartic experience, especially once she and Briana start harmonizing on the subject. What a beautiful bad romance we’re developing here.

Cons: Kudos for keeping a straight face through an entire year of hanging out with Gretchen, but enough is enough already.

Vicki

vicki

Main Storyline: Brooks begins.

Pros: Two of her most possessed-by-a-demon meltdowns of all time: screeching at Gretchen during a bunco party whilst done up in ’80s garb and informing Tamra that she is meant to be her friend, her soulmate, her sister.

Cons: My beautiful mind is already diagramming the many ways in which the entirety of the Real Housewives of Orange County and, indeed, of human history itself, has led up to the Brooks Ayers cataclysm. It’s already exceptionally dark and ugly but I cannot turn away.

Next time: I wonder if Lauri has anything new and interesting to tell us after all these years.

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