Five episodes to watch while using Google Translate to hit on the guy sitting next to you at the wine bar.
Welcome back to The Essential…, where we propose five episodes that embody the perfect madness of one special Housewife. In this case, we most emphatically do mean “madness” in its literal sense. God knows what alien realm KKB phased here from, but let us pray she remains to shower us with Daily Mail headlines forevermore. But before you browse those, enjoy the grab bag of assorted jelly beans that was the Kelly Killoren Bensimon experience.
S02E07: “Kelly vs. Bethenny”
KKB essentially invents RHONY as we know it in an outing so iconic that we’ve previously recapped it in its entirety. Donning the best look ever, fun boots and easy sweater dress, Kelly informs Bethenny that they’re not friends, she’s not funny, she’s not charming, she behaves inappropriately and embarrasses herself, and Kelly won’t put up with her antics and bullshit. Having spoken her truth into the world, Kelly proceeds to glide away from her baffled nemesis for a date with Sonja-bangee Max, some Italian idiot with whom she shares a little light gibberish flirtation. Love a girl who can multi-task.
S02E10: “Unfashionably Late”
After tastefully modeling for the above invitation, Kelly hangs out with a bunch of hawt dudez at some other party while the rest of the Housewives mill about seething at her absence from the party she is ostensibly actually hosting. Kelly finally rolls up literal hours later, long after the Housewives have all given up on her and jetted. Naturally, she doesn’t give a shit; in fact, if I recall correctly, she barely even notices.
S03E12: “Sun, Sand, and Psychosis”
Bethenny, full of knives. Ramona, kissing with tongue. Lollipops and jelly beans, satchels of gold, Al Sharpton. THE all-time iconic Housewives performance, as our poor heroine is stuck on Scary Island with no friends.
S04E10: “Last Call, Morocco!”
Infuriated that Alex has “caused a casino” and interrupted her henna session to shout at Luann, Kelly takes her aside to demand that she start acting authentically (and breathing regularly), because God knows once you’ve disrupted the making of a henna tattoo even Santa himself can’t fix it.
S04E13: “Your Tweeting Heart”
Kelly whips up hysteria against Simon for his “mean-tweeting” against the cast, then lays the group’s complaints at Alex’s feet during a meetup that would later be awarded the 2011 Pulitzer Prize for Passive-Aggression. Just a little reminder, everyone: stop being red. It’s making us all uncomfortable.
S02E13: “Reunion – Part 1”
Kelly grapples with tabloid allegations about domestic abuse, informing us that the grass, indeed, is not always greener, no matter how much fertilizer you have.
S03E06: “The Ambush”
Kelly accosts terrified Manhattan bystanders for some absurd street fashion piece a magazine has commissioned her to “write.”
S03E16: “Reunion – Part 2″
Kelly is forced to walk off the reunion set after a campaign of systematic bullying at the hands of Bethenny, Ramona, and Alex.