The Essential Pettifleur Berenger

Five episodes to watch while you direct your adult son’s underwear purchases.

Welcome back to The Essential…, where we propose five episodes that embody the perfect madness of one special Housewife. The long history of the Real Housewives is positively littered with the remains of social disasters whose godawful personalities offended one and all—your Angela Stones, your Peggy Sulahians. But few such comets-of-ill-omen have burned as brightly as did one Pettifleur Berenger, Sri Lan—er, “Ceylonese” princess. Below, a light sampler of some of her more delightful interpersonal terrors.

S02E10: “A Day at the Races”
It’s the launch party for Pettifleur’s new inspirational tome, Switch the Bitch! No, not The Bitch Switch, the completely coincidentally similarly titled book by Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth. Why do you ask? In one of her few victories on the program, Pettifleur parries uncomfortable questions about why she’s self-publishing and whether “bitch” is a feminist term (are you even allowed to police feminism after you sign a Real Housewives contract?) and brings off her party with surprising grace. This will not prove to be a motif.

S02E11: “Wonderland”
Pettifleur seeks out Chyka’s services to deck out her admittedly fabulous penthouse apartment for a Winter Wonderland theme party, which of course instantly morphs into Pettifleur driving Chyka mad with insipid, insulting demands for dry ice and indoor snowfall and such. Fortunately, the party itself is just as demented, as Pettifleur does a borderline-pornographic rumba to the song that inspired her name, then has her son perform the same song on the piano.

S03E01: “Join the Club”
A delightful romp in which Pettifleur calls Gamble a “black widow” who met her fiance on, Lydia immediately leaks the comments to Gamble, and Gamble bellows that she’ll sue PF “to the end of the fucking earth” at a crestfallen Susie’s fuckin BAKING PARTY.

S03E03: “By Invitation Only”
Pettifleur invites her sister Gillian over to hash out their issues, and let me tell you, if we ever do a ranking of one-episode appearances Gillian is instant top ten, because she just sits there stone-faced and reads the shit out of PF for being a toxic narcissist who only cares about herself, her looks, and her possessions. Pettifleur really has no defense here because, uh,

Screenshot (1172)

But all that’s just the prologue. In the main event, Gamble, going against stepson Luke’s best advice (“she treats everyone like shit and she’s a massive cow,” “rip that bitch to shreds”), extends an olive branch by inviting Pettifleur to her wedding. PF, of course, reacts by trollishly insisting that Gamble think—really thinkreally, really think about whether her invitation is coming from the right place. Gamble reacts in turn by throwing the invitation into some shrubbery and iconically telling Pettifleur to GET FUCKED. (File this one away for our inevitable The Essential Gamble Breaux.)

S03E08: “Do Buy”
A trip to Dubai becomes a showcase of every single toxic Pettifleur character trait, from throwing a teary shit-fit when the ladies don’t pay enough compliments to her beachside look to holding them hostage at a mall for hours as she tries on infinity dresses to, yep, spreading malicious comments about them all. Fed up, the other *seven!* women pull a Murder on the Orient Express and annihilate PF at a Berber-style dinner, leading to her iconic martyr-wail of STOP THE FUCK!!!!


S02E07: “Manila Bound”
In an episode previously showcased by our very own Tracey, the ladies first unearth the  Omarosa Connection, the revelation of which PF predictably reacts to with an infuriatingly blithe dismissal.

S02E13: “Reunion – Part 2”
In which Lydia must reluctantly coax a sobbing Pettifleur back onto the set after the ladies (almost certainly correctly) accuse her of misrepresenting an off-screen conflict with Gina arising from PF being absolutely plastered at the time.

S03E09: “Desert Storm”
Featuring the aftermath of the above-referenced Dubai pile-on, in which Gina continues to be a leeeetle bit racist and PF turns into a moping victim before finally chucking a half-hearted Rapology at the group.

One thought on “The Essential Pettifleur Berenger

Leave a Reply