Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situation.
Main Storyline: And now it’s time for the floor to fall out entirely from below Alexis, as the blissful idiocy of her Alexis Couture campaign is subverted at all turns by inexorable forces ranging from the Bravo editing suite to the St. Regis Hotel’s fire alarm system to Vicki Gunvalson’s bleeding anus to the yawning void of her own stupidity.
Pros: Taylor long ago informed me that Alexis is the best Housewife to watch high and holy shit he’s right. You wanna truly grasp the beauty of Alexis Bellino, grab your trustiest piece and sit back and enjoy the sublime comedy of Alexis attempting to pronounce words.
Cons: A Gretchen beta I did not need. Haven’t you heard? That’s Slade’s job. His only job.
Main Storyline: Basically spends the season calling Slade a fat loser with no money. Yes, yes, where is the lie, but all the same her squawking emotional immaturity is enough to make me sympathize with Slade. SLADE SMILEY. YES THAT SLADE. So. Oh also some bullshit about her parents’ vow renewal but trust that I ffded the fuck outta that.
Pros: Pros? Gretchen Rossi? You jest. Uh I don’t know. Tamra continuing to press the story that Gretchen was fucking around on her terminally ill fiance is probably my Gretchen pro.
Cons: So before I even got to Gretchen my fellow Witches warned me that a great deal of what makes her objectionable lies in her horrific voice and laugh, and I was like c’mon it can’t be that bad. It’s actually worse than they said? You definitely enter a death spiral with her where her personality is awful, it makes you hate her voice even more, which makes you hate her personality even more, and on and on. Anyway she’s also unbelievably smug and forced and unfunny so even if she sounded like g-d Eartha Kitt it wouldn’t matter one lick.
Main Storyline: Is it really wise for someone suffering from postpartum depression to collect guns? Otherwise this is chiefly the story of one woman’s (inevitably unsuccessful) struggle to not despise Alexis Bellino.
Pros: I appreciate Peggy’s narrative on a holistic level, in that she has clearly casually lunched with Alexis now and then, had play dates, etc., but now, forced to actually interact meaningfully with her, is like “oh holy shit what.” Jumping ship to the Tamra/Vicki alliance is a nice touch as well, as is the rather spicy revelation that Jim Bellino hid their fuckmance from Alexis for years.
Cons: That solo footage though good lord. Guns…haven’t aged well, not that guns are ever gonna be a “fun” character flourish, and while I sympathize with her post-partum struggles I do not need to see someone having a panic attack over her infant daughter accidentally nicking her arm on a picture frame. Clearly an inferior Peggy overall.
Main Storyline: In discussing last season, I compared Tamra’s grappling emotionally with the prospect of divorce to something out of a telenovela. This season,
Pros: In my general opinion, the concept of someone or something giving us everything has been over since the 2011 song capitalizing on it topped the charts…however. Tamra GAVE US EVERYTHING this season. She fucked her sexy new boyfriend in a tub. She sobbed over her ex’s arrest for throwing a retractable leash at her head. She pursued Slade to the ends of the Earth because YOU SEE YOUR KID TEN TIMES IN ONE YEAR YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT YOU’RE THE LOWEST FORM OF SHIT THERE IS IN THE WORLD, up to the point of contacting his son’s mother to compare notes. She led on Fernanda the sexy lesbian. She groveled before the altar of Cthulh–er, Vicki Gunvalson, then resumed their ongoing lesbian-adjacent psychosexual tango. Oh, and yeah, she nearly fucking blinded one Jeana Ellen Tomasino Keough with a glass of shitty red.
Cons: So yeah, it’s not actually Tamra’s fault, but she *was* the conduit by which Jeana Keough reentered this realm from her hell dimension, and whoaly shit Jeana was worse than ever somehow? It was as if the entire Keough family, in all its venom and ugliness, had Transformer-assembled into One Giant Keough in order to more effectively unleash their depravity on the world. So yeah, as I have no negative feelings toward Tamra for giving us one of the best character seasons of Housewives history, I’m using this real estate to hate on Jeana one more time for the disgusting sniveling toadying she does for emotionally abusive men. Now let us all bask in television’s warm, glowing, warming glow:
Main Storyline: The funhouse mirror of the Barneys’ divorce storyline, as the Gunvalsons’ mess of a marriage finally crumbles in on itself, though not before Donn, Briana, and Michael spend the duration endlessly, beautifully clowning on Vicki’s narcissism and hysteria.
Pros: It’s an exhausting Vicki season, honestly, unless you’re a Vicki die-hard…which I emphatically am so I can fully enjoy seeing her inform Mexican service people of Tamra’s past disloyalty and demand that Tamra write her an essay on The Meaning of Friendship and the such like.
Cons: This is truly the inflection point at which Vicki turns from deeply flawed human to truly warped monster. Bad for the people in her life, great for us watching at home.
Next time: I believe there’s a Surgeon General’s warning for the period of RHOC when Gretchen and Heather overlap.