I have been reborn. All my hours watching and recapping BH is now being paid back to me in dividends. RHONY is back, bitches. What a revelation.
1. Savage montage. Production finally got their revenge on Luann for the wedding filming boycott. The montage of every single housewife giving a talking head about how obviously the marriage was doomed from the start, they’re unsurprised, and overall relatively unsympathetic. Our hero needs to fall to rock bottom before she can ascend again, so I accept this.
2. Bad Sonja. Woof, what an edit our Lady Morgan got. I don’t think there is anything more Sonja than deciding to go off of antidepressants and be miserable rather than gain a little bit of weight. Very reminiscent of her body issues in the early seasons. Her standoffish behavior at the party was so odd and inspired the first traces of Dorinda slurring so I will be eternally grateful.
3. Return of the Queen. This episode had so many highlights but Dorinda was the obvious standout. She talked to her Halloween decor and showed us she is not only a Christmas enthusiast, but also Halloween. She received nothing but translucent spheres in place of her costume presumably due to online shopping after consuming 12 martinis. She delivered us sexy Swat John Mahdessian. Those first dulcet slurring tones as Dorinda gulps down some citrus martini concoction gave me goosebumps as she raged about Sonja’s rudeness. And then, she delivers the invitation of the century to Carole:
After the marathon can you stay in my apartment. You’ll mellow out. I’ll make a roast chicken. I’ll get two bottles or four bottles of great wine and we’ll sit there and close the door and we’ll tell our deepest, darkest secrets, and then go to sleep in my bed. Watch “Ghost Hunters.”
That end note there is the precise moment where I lost my ability to breathe, but she wasn’t even done. Then we got another gorgeous montage of her slurring out about her costume, the “NSL” designer who put it together for her, and her constantly shaking the baubles before she whipped her wig off and had John escort her home for some presumably hot sex.
4. Carole. Likeable Carole is back! Her talking heads were scathing. She’s finally dropped B, which has allowed for a much more enjoyable friendship with Tinsley to emerge and return Carole to her rightful place. Not sure how I feel about her marathon storyline but I do hope Kelly Killoren Bensimon pops in for a cameo to teach her how to train in traffic. Her utter lack of patience for Luann’s attempts to start shit and drum up sympathy harken back to the good old days. I was ready to ditch Carole after S8, but I’m glad we kept her.
5. Luface. Goddess bless the shady saboteurs in Luann’s life who gladly sent her out on the town to filming in that costume. Tone deaf, blatant blackface? Sure. But unsurprising considering this is Countess “hold on to your scalps” Luann we’re dealing with. Bonus points for her karaoke mood and using her own song lyrics to shame Sonja.
6. Ramona. She almost managed a low-key appearance this week to kick off her renewal season until she set off a Bethenny tantrum. As is often the case with B, Ramona did say something rude but her reaction was so intense and over the top that it made Ramona seem the sympathetic character again. Also, I fucking died when she declared her love and support of women right into Lu’s prop mic.
1. Bethenny. Oh boo hoo call me predictable. I’ll admit I was impressed watching Bethenny’s efforts in Puerto Rico playing out back in real time and won’t detract from that. However, now that I am faced with her general presence and personality on this show again it still doesn’t balance out my disdain for her. Bethenny is a miserable person and brings a negative air to everything around her. I empathize with the pain of her losing Cookie but maybe she wouldn’t have had to go it alone and broadcast it on social media had she not pushed away all of her friends, right Ramona on the Brooklyn Bridge?