The most important thing about this season was America’s Next Top Model Cycle 2 alumna Xiomara Frans showing up to Katie Rost’s Casino Royale gala.
Name a more iconic duo I’ll fucking wait. Anyway yeah there were some actual cast members too let’s talk about them I guess.
Main Storyline: In between the near (possibly total?) dissolution of her marriage, Ashley finds time to spread vindictive gossip about a majority of the cast. Now that’s what I call Housewiving.
Pros: Ashley, I think intentionally, acts as an audience surrogate this season, loudly and openly denouncing the women for being repetitive, maudlin bores, trying to move their fucking storylines on already. She also does this, definitely intentionally, just to be messy and cause drama. Both I consider huge net positives.
Cons: Meh there’s a few I’m sure, but why complain when someone in this otherwise dusty-ass franchise gives you material like screaming “YOU’VE BEEN YELLING AT ME ALL FUCKING DAY YOU FUCKING INSANE ASSHOLE” at her husband or dragging Charrisse for having “T. Rex arms.”
Main Storyline: She gets divorced and uses her husband’s money to build an unimaginably wasteful “Champagne Room.” I know this sounds pretty annoying and bad but believe me it shines compared to the No Exit-minus-one-of-the-leads saga of the Dixons.
Pros: Every few episodes Charrisse reminds us that she is, indeed, insane, whether it’s referring to her ChaCha alter ego or calling Karen a “bum bitch.”
Cons: I’ll still never reeeally care though. If Charrisse were always in her reunion mode of throwing random, probably fraudulent digs at the other women (okay, Karen), I’d be more enthused, but she’s really just sort of there on the show itself. Um, except she isn’t anymore now, RIP.
Main Storyline: Dunno she goes on some dates. Also Monique hates her and Monique is way better so jump down if you wanna read up on that.
Pros: Ugh I can’t help myself I do *on some level* enjoy her energy. Use it for good and not for evil, Gizelle! Put down the cue cards!!!!!!
Cons: Throwing a shit fit because Monique called her a trick when she called Ashley a thot upon their first meeting is a good distillation of my Gizelle issues. I hate a tryhard, and I especially hate a tryhard who acts like we can’t remember that they’re hypocrites. Honey you are on television there are sepia flashbacks.
Main Storyline: Selling her Potomac house because it was too big for just two people after Rayvin left for college, and subsequently moving to an even bigger house in Virginia anyway, because, you see, she needs to care for her ailing parents, and they don’t want to live in Maryland, because her father was a farmer, and no they don’t know about this plan per se, nor are they actually moving into the house, but you need to plan ahead. You see???
Pros: The unspooling of the Grande Dame Karen Huger narrative was a beautiful bouquet of side-eye from the other women and disbelieving speculation from their husbands (Michael: “Is this some sort of front?” Chris: “I hope they have a bed to sleep on…”). I’m also deeply intrigued by the saga of driver/bodyguard/eye candy(?!) Blue Eyes who shows up in the very last segment of the reunion as the most epic cliffhanger since the days of Dallas, and I thank god that both he and the Casa Huger fraud are both clearly deeply pivotal S3 plot points.
Cons: …all that said, however, it took a dizzyingly boring nine episodes for Karen to even sell her house to begin with. Go ahead and peruse our Bethenny Frankel tag to see how I feel about real estate storylines on this program.
Main Storyline: Reading the shit out of Gizelle for being a tryhard piece of shit, then swanning back to her perfect privileged life with the adorable (odd face notwithstanding) Chris Samuels.
Pros: *Usually* when new women come onto these shows and immediately gun for one of the established stars it’s a sign of desperation/thirst, but Monique legitimately is confident and cool about her life and just hated Gizelle and wanted to destroy her. So, she did. 🙂
Cons: Four houses seems excessive please give me one immediately. I promise more positive Bitchy Witches coverage of your storylines in exchange, and that’s far more valuable than cash.
Main Storyline: “As I bring this to a close, down to the last line/ things remain the same, Robyn still talkin bout Juan.” — Monique Samuels
Pros: Fast-forwarding through her endlessly repetitive solo scenes made marathoning this season slightly faster.
Cons: WHY 👏🏼 ARE 👏🏼 YOU 👏🏼 HERE 👏🏼
Robyn doesn’t have any money. She doesn’t actually live in Potomac. She resides in a rental like an hour away that, frankly, might be shittier than my apartment and I live in a Brooklyn walk-up. She isn’t funny, she isn’t charming, the only drama she ever provides is prompted by Gizelle or wheedled out of her by Ashley. The other major participant in her paaaaaaaaaaaainfully repetitive storyline (and I don’t mean regular repetitive, I mean this is literally the same material we got in the Potomac *pilot* repetitive) doesn’t even want to pursue it:
FUCKIN SAME, get this woman OUTOFMYLIFE! Oh but wait, they went ahead and fired the plainly insane Charrisse instead. Whaaatever when is Dallas back on again???