A post in which my keyboard falls to pieces from typing out the tagline for each member of this eternal cast.
Cheshire series seven is upon us tonight and we have been delivered taglines via this janky instagram post. How do they measure up?
8. Seema (“Honesty and integrity are so in this season.”)
Wow this is some top-tier Chyka snoozefest of a tagline. My understanding is that is right in line with Seema as a housewife so, points for consistency? Nah.
7. Tanya (“I’m the girl who got it all – all the drama that is.”)
I’m not sure if it was a typo or she really says “girl who got it all” but I’m just going to assume that’s how she talks with some sort of trashy Essex accent. Anyway I scrolled through Taylor’s series 6 recaps and I don’t think it’s accurate to say she has all the drama so I’m giving this one a failing grade.
6. Rachel (“I train my dogs to be good – I didn’t know I’d have to train my friends as well.”)
Our darling Rachel Lugo (full name SEO bait) has fallen into the trap of murky metaphors. It sort of reminds me of Meghan King Edmond’s from last season, although without the grammatical disaster. Anyway, yes Rachel friends do need to be trained so keep a pocket full of biscuits for these bitches.
5. Lauren (“I’m sassy, I’m brassy but I’m always classy.”)
I’m mostly amused by this because I am wondering if she is literally referring to her brassy skin colour? My god what a woman she is. As someone who grew up reading dlisted I really enjoy all these English rose, Jodie Marsh type women who remind me that Jersey is alive and well in the UK – and I’m not talking about the channel isle.
4. Dawn (“I made it to the top and I’m staying right where I am.”)
I assume this is an allusion to remaining on the show while her nemesis and hysterectomy-unsympathizer Leanne finally called it quits. I do always enjoy when a housewife does a victory lap in her tagline even if this is relatively generic.
3. Nermina (“I’m all about making a splash, I just hate wasting my whiskey.”)
My understanding is that Nermina vacillates between boring and sanctimonious but her tagline game is on point. I might always be Team Ester but I’m also always Team-Drink-Toss so I have to give her props for playing up perhaps her only notable moment.
2. Stacey (“I’m intolerant to dairy and bitches, so be careful what you serve.”)
This is just hilarious. There will be no lactose or bitches present at a Stacey dinner party. Again, seems like her tagline game might be the peak of her housewives stint but this one killed me.
1. Ester (“I may be a big bird, but I look incredible in feathers.”)
Predictably nutty? Perhaps. Nonsensical? Indeed. This is exactly what I want a thick-accented Eastern European goddess to whisper to me from my television screen. Ester always wins.