Because we’re all counting down the days till we see these ladies again, right? Whatever, just click the damn “Continue reading” button.
For any of you who are still with me, I present my mini-ranking:
6. Gizelle (“If you can’t handle me being the word on the street, then stop listening.”)
Oh fuuuck no are you kidding me. Look, I gave her the initial repeat because sure, it’s a gimmick, it’s something to cling onto amid the banalities of Potomac. But for her to now triple down on an already-not-very-strong tagline (who’s talking on the streets of Potomac, they’re lined with a bunch of McMansions and no sidewalks) solely because Charrisse of all people made a passing snide remark about it at a reunion once is effing dire. Stay tuned for future taglines such as Gamble on the word on the street and you’re sure to win and The only title I’d trade the word on the street for…is wife. (Kidding, of course; Gizelle’s about as likely to get married as Kenya is. Yes, I know what I said.)
5. Robyn (“Life has its ups and downs, but my game is on the rebound.”)
I’d be more appreciative of the tidy basketball reference if it didn’t serve as a dark reminder that, despite the odds, despite logic and common sense, despite the fact that Robyn is a lowkey frump who lives in a cheap rental like an hour away from Potomac, we will never, ever be free of her and Juan’s will-they-or-won’t-they-oh-wait-no-one-cares back-and-forth.
4. Karen (“Baby don’t believe what you hear. The grande dame still holds center court.”
Baby what a mess. (I suppose that’s apt for Karen though.) Where did this baby come from? Why is the grande dame holding court during a basketball game? Also sorry but I believe everything I hear about the Hugers???
3. Monique (“You’ll never put me in a box because I’m the whole darn package.”)
You can put a whole package in a box tho. Whatever I’m feeling favorably inclined toward her because I just watched the episode where she punts Gizelle out of her house before her pastor can arrive to talk her out of it.
2. Candiace (“Life is a pageant and I’m in it to win it.”)
First of all, yes, [sic]. This isn’t an unusually strong tagline but it stands out in this mediocre bunch, and I always find it promising when someone describes life as a competition.
1. Ashley (“You may say I cause trouble, but I say I keep things interesting.”)
Not a great tagline on its own merits, but rather on a meta level where Ashley is beautifully defensive about her endless, cheerful shit-stirring while simultaneously pointing out how boring the show’d be if she didn’t partake of it. Take that, Teddit.