Five episodes to watch while you berate the hotel staff.
Welcome back to The Essential…, where I propose five episodes that embody the perfect madness of one special Housewife. You know, I love doing these articles, but I feel like they’ve gotten a little stale. It’s time… for a renewal. And who better to ring in this new Essential Era than the Queen of Renewals herself, Ramona Singer? Strap in for a ride on the Ramona Coaster: here are the highlights from a decade of everyone’s favourite asshole.
S01E06: “Girls’ Night Out”
Our very first glimpse at what will become a signature Singer situation: Ramona is made mildly uncomfortable so everyone has to suffer. When Simon Van Kempen crashes girls’ night, the ever-gracious Ramona makes a huge fucking scene and storms out, ruining Bethenny’s carefully planned dinner. The warning shot to precede ten years of fuckery.
S03E07: “New Girl, Old Money”
This is one of my picks for an all-time best ever Housewives episode that no one talks about. It is seriously crampacked with material – it’s Sonja’s first episode, for example, and the episode where Bethenny discovers she’s pregnant. It’s also, as it happens, the home of Ramona’s legendary cracked out runway walk, as well as a fabulous showcase for Vengeful Ramona — our darling princess ruins Jill Zarin’s Kodak event by slandering the brand and starting a huge ugly fight with Kelly Bensimon in the middle of the speeches. If nothing else, I’d like to think Jill learned a lesson about being a supportive friend. Just kidding; no one learns anything on this show.
S04E16: “L.O.V.E. Duel”
Oh, man, this is a gorgeous self-contained disaster. Ramona decides, in the very last episode of the season, that she is going to gin up a pregnancy scare in order to upstage LuAnn at her own anniversary party. Nevermind that there’s no conceivable reason Ramona has to do this pregnancy test on the boat at the actual party. Nevermind that Ramona was literally born during the Eisenhower administration. This is a great incidence of petty conflict between Ramona and LuAnn (always her best antagonist), and an excellent example of Ramona and Sonja Morgan at their best — Lucy and Ethel on angel dust. Postscript: Ramona was, shockingly, devastatingly, not pregnant.
S06E09: “The Last Splash” / S06E10: “Bon Voyage Ramona”
Season six highlights Ramona at the absolute peak of her malicious insanity, never more evident than the group’s first trip to the Berkshires (pre-Bluestone Manor! It was a different time). These two eps — yes, I’m cheating, again — are a perfect shot/chaser. In the former, Ramona bitches ceaselessly about Heather’s sub-par home and whips a wine glass at Kristen Taekman’s face for no good reason. In the latter, Ramona fabricates a sob story about the tall trees reminding her of her abusive childhood (textbook Ramona move) in order to ditch the trip and party in the Hamptons. Even at her most unlikeable, the woman is a force.
S09E10: “Black Out and Get Out”
It feels right to end with a highlight from modern era Ramona. In this respect, I must commemorate her season nine feud with Bethenny, which was predicated upon literally fucking nothing besides Ramona capriciously deciding to torment this poor woman to the ends of the Earth (but Bethenny is a horror movie heroine, never better than when she’s being randomly targeted by some obsessed psycho, so I’ll allow it). Let’s head back to the Berkshires, where Ramona gets blackout wasted, verbally assaults Bethenny, and then does an undisclosed amount of property damage to her bedroom for reasons unclear. Bonus: this is the episode that coined the name of the very website you’re reading!
Ramona treats us to the first ever reunion walk-off, so mortally offended is she by association with the Botticelli nude, Alex McCord.
S03E06: “The Ambush”
Ramona gives Bethenny some life advice on the Brooklyn Bridge.
S04E07: “Travel Reservations”
Ramona exhibits model behaviour at an anti-bullying luncheon. Bonus: spot the cameo from pre-Housewives Dorinda Medley!
S05E14: “Slutty Island”
Ramona ferrets out LuAnn’s secret liaison, gives Aviva a hero’s welcome, and issues a sincere apology.