The Round-Up: Life Is But a Dream

Hey y’all! With our intrepid Gossip Townsperson Tay Tay off on a jaunt to CDMX, I decided I’d fill in for a quick update on the goings-on of our favorite anxiety-disorder-cluster sufferers in the pages of the rags! Dive sub-fold for some post-modern shit worthy of Borges.

  • Per Page Six, the RHONY ladies recently channeled Shelley Winters and faced DEATH AT SEA when their decrepit rental yacht erupted in flames and started taking on water off the coast of Cartagena; vomit and tears abounded. As of press time, the whereabouts of Jill Zarin could not be confirmed.
  • Or could they! According to People, our favorite friendship-banker has apparently given up on the dream and is considering a move to Florida post-Bobby. This is either a bracing moment of self-awareness or yet another absurd attempt at a backdoor pilot; you decide.
  • Famously accurate and responsible journalistic outlet claims that Porsha (“No not Kenya . . . No not Eva . . . Nor CANDY.”) has been knocked up by an NBA player. Let’s hope that this certainly very real and actual baby that exists gets its cognitive and behavioral genes from…well literally anyone else in her family tree.
  • Meanwhile, in other RHOA Cast Members Who Are Definitely With Child news, the labyrinthine, Charlie Kaufman-penned meta-tale of “Kenya” “Moore” continues to take on added layers. Remember Kenya’s anti-production meltdown in Houston? Well according to Radar’s mysterious sources (which, like…this is presumably an Orient Express situation), Kenya concocted it in some sort of 3-dimensional chess move to get the heat off her marriage hijinks. I think we all know how this ends: Kenya pulls off Andy Cohen’s mask to reveal her own face underneath.
  • Brandi Glanville is somehow, inexplicably, still in the Celebrity Big Brother house, surviving eviction tonight because Metta World Peace (né Ron Artest) demanded to be booted.
  • Also still kicking in the world of competitive reality? Our darling Jakica, who has since been joined at the I’m a Celeb camp by…oh God don’t make me type it…who has been joined, *heavy swallow*, by Lisa and David Oldfield. Fortunately the public and cast alike seem to be reacting just about as well as I am to this news.
  • And finally, RHONJ’s woes continue, as a prospective cast member apparently flopped on film. (Didn’t stop Cindy Barshop, but I digress.) I feel like nobody else has broached this, so let me be the first to hypothesize that Siggy is spreading all these cancellation rumors.

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