💫STAR SEARCH💫: The Real Housewives of Melbourne, S04E11 – The Finale

So we beat on, boats against the current, storming ceaselessly out of dinner parties.

 

With the season tragically already over (except the sure-to-be insane carnage of the reunion), it’s time to take stock of our Housewives. And I have to say: they all delivered! But who was merely good, and who accessed true greatness?

⭐⭐⭐

Sally 

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This Episode: I found the scattering of Ian’s ashes surprisingly affecting, given my general past indifference to Sally’s personal life. Death is heavy man I don’t know!!! More importantly, she proactively prodded Gina at the Last Supper, which finally cemented my feelings for her at mild appreciation rather than warm indifference.

This Season: Going this hard for the fan fave wasn’t necessarily the wisest decision, given the leverage Gina presumably has to get a relatively rootless newbie tossed from the cast. On the other hand, nobody’s ever gotten under Gina’s skin this consistently and effortlessly, which is both impressive and a very strong argument to bring her back. The reunion will be key; judging from Gina’s and Lydia’s reaction to it, Sally ain’t letting up, praise Beelzebub.

Gina

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This Episode: Ecccch. I never really know how I feel about backed-into-a-corner, delusional-martyr Gina. Is her lack of self-awareness amusing or irritating? Is her overwhelming megalomania perversely endearing, or just an insufferable waste of everyone’s time? I dance back and forth across the line. Always glad when any Housewife on any franchise gets called out for compulsive storming-off, though(, Bethenny).

This Season: In discussing S4 Gina with the other Witches, we agreed that she embodied every element of her past this season: S1’s scrappy energy, S2’s avoidant arrogance, S3’s fluffy comic relief. All in all, I’m left appreciating the humor and drama she brought to the season, while still finding myself ultimately frustrated by her hamhanded efforts to hector anyone who challenges her into either clamming up or leaving the show. There’s also the additional frustration of the Fan Fave effect, as noted above; by any objective measure, Sally decisively won her conflict with Gina, but the tide of (basic) public opinion will always and forever lob Yas Queens at her, even when she’s inventing fake racial slurs(!) supposedly said about her.

Lydia

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This Episode: I know this show’s tidy season-ending gatherings are always contrived, but I had to laugh at Lydia ostensibly being the person trying to bring this group together. Guess that was her penance for nearly skipping Mexico. In any case, she delivered, not least by way of her uproarious child-reciting-a-poem delivery of that ridiculous speech.

This Season: It was to be expected that Lydia would snap back to Standard Stankness Service after being the villain to end all villains last time, but that still means a healthy dose of entertaining griminess and stupidity, so I’m at peace. Particularly glad she and Janet have started elevating their rivalry to a place of white hot fury; both of them deserve a truly first-tier hatemance.

⭐⭐⭐⭐

Venus

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This Episode: Her out-of-left-field attack on Janet at dinner was a true return to spectrum-y form, and had the added benefit of setting Janet off and really getting the party started. Kodus! Also there was some shit about a car but I’m gonna go ahead and cite the Reiko Scale of Boring Car Scenes with all that mess.

This Season: What can I say? What a debut. I’m loving this recent trend of unbearably socially awkward newbies (see above link~) gradually doing such weird shit that you start to oddly admire and even enjoy it. Call it the Dorit Effect. Venus is certainly a very off-putting and unlikable person, but damn if I didn’t wind up loving her jarring tone-deafness and susceptibility to trolling.

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

Jackie

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This Episode: The Jackie of 2017 was too at peace with herself/her burgeoning spiritual empire to argue like she used to, so instead of a dogged attack on Lydia over her affairs (hunny) we instead got endless patronizing about Lydia finally getting a real job. A shift in tone, but both are worthwhile pursuits, I think you’ll agree.

This Season: An eleven-episode bumper for I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here! (Australia season 4) and advertisement for the Shine It Up tour (no I won’t stop linking to this song I bump it the second I leave work on Friday every single week). I’m glad this season showed Jackie as the queen of the cast that she is (sorry Ginz) while still giving us some classic obnoxious Jackie hilarity and spot-on filleting of her opponents. Keep shining, Jakica.

Janet

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This Episode: Notwithstanding Sally’s and Gamble’s emotional catharses, Janet was the star of this episode bar none. The whole hour built toward a confrontation centered on her, and that Venus served as the unexpected catalyst made it no less exciting. Yeah, shit got a little schoolyard, but that’s what we’ve come to expect, nay need, from these Melbourne finale free-for-alls.

This Season: I couldn’t be happier that Janet took a cue from Oprah and remembered her spirit, that spirit being relentless, gleeful, vulgar trolling. If this season was indeed her last it was a jewel in her crown, buuut I kinda doubt she’d just up and leave despite knowing what a victory for Lydia and Gina that would be.

Gamble

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This Episode: “This Time” doesn’t appear to be on YouTube yet so here’s this instead; frankly I think it’s more important. Anyway, while I’m not one for ballads, I am one for the immortal love of Gambie and Woofa, by which I mean clearly this is a relationship built on cash and cash only unlike Gina Liano’s warm and authentic relationships with ////this program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down////

This Season: The MVP, if not the GOAT. I barely need recap it; just read the successive Gamble sections of each week’s Star Search, from A Special Gift From Mrs. Wolfe to I’m Coming James and beyond. In a cast of stars, Gam was a fucking constellation. Now go take care of your iron deficiency my love!

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