💫STAR SEARCH💫: The Real Housewives of Melbourne, S04E10

Just a little something to tide you over as you wait out your refractory period under the ol’ Croatian cherry tree.

Jackie

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Jackie (rightfully) receiving the key to Newcastle (which is now stored lovingly next to Ben’s ARIAs, o’course) was exactly the sort of gauzy, lovely, heartwarming footage I do not care to watch on this show. But it’s Jakica, she carries it anyway. As if to reward us for putting up with a conflict-lite performance, she hilariously stood googly-eyed and silent between Gina and Janet as they went at it for like ten minutes straight. Hopefully her next Tucker Trial relates to physical comedy.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐ – I do wish her family’s old photos were more embarrassing though.

Janet

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The official Star of this episode is barely even in it until about 80% through. Janet rapidly makes up for lost time though, pulling a practical joke in equal parts fucking hilarious and lowkey cunty (I mean she literally stole a gift *for a four-year-old* *then threw out the original card* let it be known). Truly the perfect crime! But Roachie’s work wasn’t done yet, thank God, because once you’ve wound up Gina why not pursue her to the ends of the Earth with stone-faced accusations about her slander?

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Beyond just generally being good at Housewiving, Janet gives both the Hand and the Finger magnificently.

Lydia

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The only thing Lydia is worse at than lying is feigning outrage. Oh dear how dare they accuse me of la la la yes we know Lydia nobody lets you defend yourself it’s tragic. Bonus star for how much she enjoyed all the birthday party carnage though.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐ – It’s almost impressive that Lydia continues to claim that she’s not dumb four seasons in.

Sally 

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While I still deeply appreciate her ongoing Ginascepticism, her solo footage is boring as sin and she wound up letting Janet take the baton on ravaging Ms. Liano so what do we really have here at the end of the day.

Rating: ⭐⭐ – Her kids annoy the hell out of me too~

Venus

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God bless Vee not only for producing the year’s first inductee into the Crappy Birthday club, but also for her astonishment that the women would be so petty and argumentative and obsessed with looks at a four year old’s birthday party. It’s Housewives, hun. Figure it out. But I suppose when you’re named after the hottest planet, you’re sure to act like you just arrived from there.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ – It’s always a special moment when a new Housewife officially enters her Baghdad Bob/Sean Spicer phase for her alpha or alphas.

Gamble

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See Jackie’s writeup re: emotional moments and apply that here to Gamble’s song. I’m happy for her and Rick though! Enjoy the performance next week, Woofa. Anyway it’s fine, as it was sandwiched on either side by hilarious interactions with Venus. Always love a good Gamble Gaffe, even if this one didn’t live up to the technical definition because it was actually unintentional for once.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ – She’s right though; cute little girl. Shame about the parents.

Gina

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Ehhhh. I did appreciate the setup whereby Gina’s only appearances in the first half of the episode consisted of newly unearthed footage of her slandering everyone in the cast one by one at last week’s makeup launch. The problem for Gina here is that the girls smell blood in the water. SALLY BLOOMFIELD took a chunk out of her, so there’s no way a far more advanced Housewife like Janet is gonna pass up the chance to take her own bite at the ersatz Queen. They have the key now: needle her with jokes, then drop the b-word. (No, not the w-b-word.) She also accessed some impressive delusion in talking about others’ conveniently bad memories and gutter tactics but that’s a whole other story.

Rating: ⭐⭐ – Requesting a supercut of every time Gina Liano has stormed out of an event; has she surpassed Bethenny Frankel yet?

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