First Contact: The Real Housewives of Orange County, Season 3

The only true greatness accessed over this stretch of episodes occurs when Jo shows up to steal the season ten minutes before it ends. So queue up Unscripted and enter at your own risk.

Jeana

jeana

Main Storyline: Matt is finally fucking gone, Shane’s away at college, and Kara’s being imminently shipped off to Berkeley (which I guarantee you she chose to attend solely so she’d still have people to complain about once she left her family). Three down, two to go.

Pros: Watching Vicki berate her nonstop for the entire back half of the season (see below).

Cons: This bitch is helping her ex *whom she acknowledges doesn’t even like her* find a new house. LET GO OF THIS ANCHOR JEANA. You are a smart beautiful confident whatever you’re a woman and deserve better than Matt maybe possibly.

Lauri

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Main Storyline: Lauri is still rich and spending her fiance’s money on expensive stuff hooray.

Pros: The only thing of interest here is her sole attempt to reconcile with her ill-fated son Josh, via one of the most uncomfortable therapy sessions I’ve seen on this show (and I’ve watched like a dozen Bethenny therapy sessions (okay, okay, skimmed)).

Cons: Lauri’s getting married y’all. At first this is a low-level irritation, but as we march inexorably onward toward the event itself it sucks up more and more of the show’s oxygen (“George wants figs as an appetizer but I want dates…so we got both!!!” is an actual scene). Then we get to the finale and it’s literally ~85% Lauri footage and I just wanted to kill. my. self. As a viewer of this program I’m pretty numb to the basic horror of privilege it constantly exposes us to, but seeing someone as completely useless as Lauri blithely throw money away broke through to become deeply infuriating to me. But, also, very boring. I hate Lauri but it’s not a fun Aviva-style hate. She’s just bad and insulting television.

(Special note: in discussing this season with my fellow Witches, we’ve all been completely astounded at the character detail of Josh moving in with his mother’s fiance’s ex after being kicked out of her house. It’s dropped maybe twice and never followed-up on and uh what the ever-loving fuck tell me more??????)

Quinn

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Main Storyline: And Introducing Quinn, a Lisa Whelchel talking doll who’s waffling between a chaste, Christian relationship with a younger man and a chaste, Christian relationship with an older man.

Cons: Let’s start here, because for the first two thirds or so of her short-lived stay Quinn is kind of an unbearable frump, as if a wizard transmogrified an Amy Grant song into human form. Now don’t get me wrong, I love a good Amy Grant song, but not on this season of this show. Quinn’s dithering between two of the oughtsiest-looking dudes in history was of no interest to me.

Pros: …Until, that is, Roxy showed up. Roxy, pictured above, is Quinn’s 💃🏻 saucy 💃🏻 alter-ego. In her own words, “she’s a little bit of a…🤭 BEEYOTCH” who likes to seduce men she (pretends she) doesn’t know, inviting them back to her “pad” for…I’m at a loss as to what Quinn even wants to do with these men, honestly. But yes, seeing the mom from a syndicated 80s sitcom roll up all “hey big fella wanna do the sex things?” in a blonde wig took the character from blah to okay for me in the end.

Tammy

tammy

Main Storyline: Tammy’s ex Lou died between seasons, leaving his Thai mail-order bride to take the Knickerbocker fortune and run (this women is THE hero of the entire Real Housewives franchise, no?). So she’s sorta consumed by sorting out the aftermath, which leaves 90% of her footage to be filled by her callow daughters partying and participating in OC Angels events (and honestly, how wild that this was a two-season arc that somehow survived its originator).

Pros: In Tammy’s hilarious recounting, she learns of her ex’s death from her daughter Megan, in a conversation Tammy is positive Megan is exaggerating for cheap attention. “DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND MOM DAD IS DEAD11111” “Suuuure Megan🙄.” Honestly I kind of really like Tammy as a human; she has so little time for anyone, including her own blood.

Cons: Hooowever, as a Housewife, Tammy is…well, not present really. So we’re left with endless Megan and Lindsay scenes and zzz enough with the teens on this show already. Show me what Lou Knickerbocker’s Thai widow is up to please.

Tamra

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Main Storyline: Tamra’s controlling asshole husband Simon and her drunk fuck-up son Ryan attempting and immediately failing to coexist harmoniously under one roof. …Oh right and also Tamra takes on real estate as a side project to slowly sabotage Jeana Keough’s life for laughs.

Pros: The sizzling sexual chemistry between Tamra and Ryan is immediately undeniable. I’ve never been one for incest fantasies, but I would 100% accept it if this show went entirely off the rails into John Waters territory for these two.

Cons: Simon fucking Barney, who makes Slade look like a compromising and empathetic gentleman. Already counting down the episodes to I WANT A DIVORCE.

Vicki

vicki

Main Storyline: Vicki hires Jeana to sell her second, smaller home, which she bought in a brief fit of humility and has been clamoring to be rid of since. Hilarity ensues, if by “hilarity” you mean “Vicki emotionally terrorizing yet another friend or loved one,” which I of course do. At one point Vicki starts endlessly berating Jeana in a limo over crimes committed by Jeana’s gay pal Frankie against her property (imagine being Jeana Keough’s gay pal by the way) and you can actually visibly see Tamra fall in love with her.

Pros: 

SAY “I LOVE MY MOM”

SAY IT

“I LOVE MY MOOOOM!”

SAY IT. SAY IT

IF IT WASN’T FOR ME YOU WOULDN’T BE HERE

MICHAEL I LOVE YOU

I LOVE MY CHILDREN

I LOVE YOU

Cons: You’re not gonna be hearing many Vicki cons from me y’all, I’m obsessed. (Insert joke about Brooks being her eventual con~)

Next time: The immortal love of Ryan Vieth and Gretchen Rossi.

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