Ranked: Every Scene from The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Season 8 – “Secrets Revealed”

You thought you got rid of her? Surprise, bitch.

Yes, my friends, it’s true. We have been gifted with one more episode of Siggy Flicker. One last chance to see Marty Caffrey nut on Danielle Staub’s Jimmy Choo. But in order to obtain these righteous gifts, we must serve our penance, and wade through excised scenes so unspeakably boring one can’t understand why the film wasn’t burned immediately, let alone archived.

Have no fear, though, kids. Daddy Tay is here to sort through the trash and bring you the treasures. Here’s every scene from this shitty fucking special, from worst to best.

15. Dolores’s Relationship Chat
Candidly I watched this episode (and am writing this recap) half in the bag, so I don’t remember what exactly “Dolores’s relationship chat” entails but it’s in my notes! I have vague recollections of the women quizzing Dolores about her new man across a table. I am guessing it was not interesting.

14. The Gorga Family Easter Party
Melissa helps the kids dye eggs. Okay.

13. Joe Gorga and Frank Catania’s Meeting of the Minds
Why does Joe Gorga call his cock “Tarzan”? Finally, the conundrum that keeps you up nights, put to bed.

12. Teresa Reads Her Daughter One of Joe’s Letters from Prison
…While they’re on a beach in Puerto Rico. Maybe a little maudlin, Tre. Go get her a virgin daiquiri and let her forget there’s a camera in her face for ten seconds.

11. Whatever the End Scene About Sex Was
This happened literally as the end credits rolled, while I was further into the weeds of drunkenness than ever before, so I remember little, other than it was approximately the 90th idle sex chat scene on this show. I understand why these were left out. Edit for redundancies.

10. The Other Sex Talk Scene
Slightly redeemed in comparison by the revelation that fully half the cast of RHONJ has never masturbated.

9. Dolores’s Sex Talk with Her Mother
Redeemed by Dolores pronouncing acai bowl as “a-kye bowl.”

8. Siggy’s Shabbat Party
Redeemed by this cake.

siggycake.png

7. Joe and Melissa Hire a New Hostess for Their Restaurant
Redeemed by the fact that every single person they interviewed looked uncannily like Melissa and I can’t tell if that’s just every chick between 17 and 45 in Jersey or if this was some sort of exquisite set-up. Genuinely spooky.

6. “Siggy Bought Her Son Condoms”
I don’t remember what scene this was attached to (presumably one of the reunion outtakes) but this was my lone note and that alone elevates it to top six status.

5. Dance Lessons Redux
This outtake on its own was nothing special, but it gave me warm fuzzy memories of Danielle leaning in hard on Joe Giudice for his casual homophobia back in her pariah days (and her subsequent fall from grace when she condoned her Hell’s Angel buddies calling Chris Manzo a faggot).

4. Siggy Dressed As An Angel
I really don’t mean to keep using my drunkenness as an excuse but why was Siggy dressed as an angel? What event was this? What purpose could this possibly serve? Anyway, this scene was most notable for The Marge’s revelation that she would happily pull her tampon out in front of literally anyone. Margaret is the true angel, guys.

3. Reunion Outtake: Siggy and Dolores’s Bond
Siggy: “[Social media], that’s my voice. I don’t feel like I’m getting my point across.”
Melissa: “You tell them to go fuck themselves!”
Siggy: “The HATERS! THAT’S THE HATERS!!!!!

2. Danielle’s Proposal
Okay, so this was genius. Marty’s proposal to Danielle had all of the trappings of class, but on a shoestring budget. It was like… a violin player, near a gazebo in some park, with two random couples dancing in sync? But they were maybe from a high school dance class or something. And then Marty emerges and gives Danielle, presumably, her 21st engagement ring while she badly feigns surprise. I don’t know. The whole effect was very sparse and stilted and, dare I say, Lynchian. I was super into it.

1. Danielle’s Bathroom Encounter
I could have saved you all some time and just jumped right to this moment because it’s clearly what we all came for (including Marty, aaay). So obviously, it was highly sanitized. We did not get a zoom-in on the shoe or any mention of semen whatsoever. This is to be expected; Real Housewives is trash but it’s not that kind of trash, or else we would have gotten a lot more explicit footage of Sonja Morgan doing ass stuff with Thomas the pirate. But we got Danielle’s timeless advice to Dolores (“MAYBE NEXT TIME BRING YOUR SOULMATE WITH YOU INSTEAD OF YOUR EX-HUSBAND AND YOU’LL HAVE THE SAME KIND OF FUN😊“) and that will hold me over until next year.

See you ’round the strip mall, witches.

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