💫STAR SEARCH💫: The Real Housewives of Melbourne, S04E09

Put on your onion goggles everybody; it’s an emotional one.

Gina

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A quiet showing from Gina this week, considering that she’s still dealing with the aftermath of the definitely-happened-in-real-life actual event of Sally calling her a wog bitch. She almost just…reverted to her random comic relief persona from earlier this season out of nowhere, which, sure, fine with me. Get drunk off half a glass of champers, do some casual stirring about Janet’s man, whatever gets your mind off of Sally Bloomfield before you start accusing her of doing 9/11. (Wait never mind please do that.)

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐ – Uh, Venus, I’m not sure Gina can remove her makeup at this point, doll.

Jackie

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Currently on my manifestation board: this beautiful vision of what S5 could be and prospective tickets for a stateside edition of the Shine It Up tour. The show playing Jackie’s own show with just a straight-enough face to honor her contribution to the series while still giving us Christopher Guest vibes here and there was the perfect tone to strike. As a Backie stan, though, my favorite scene was the Gillieses’ agonizing fight over whether Jackie could never have done this without Ben. Bbs, the angels would never have let you two be apart regardless, you know this. “Have you seen THE CONJURING?” was by the way the line of the episode; I deeply admire Jackie’s commitment to avoiding low entities and am now adding a picture of Athena X Levendi to my manifestation board as well in the desperate hope that she can jump series or at the very least have a 💫 spiritual spinoff 💫 with Jackie one day.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Shine it up we’re gonna shine it up we’re gonna shine it up shine it up we’re gonna shine it up we’re gonna shine it up shine it up we’re gonna shine it up we’re gonna shine it up shine it up we’re gonna shine it up we’re gonna shine it up

Janet

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If Gina and Lydia think that Janet drinks too much for her age they really need to go abroad and meet…well I don’t have time to list all the alcoholics on this show you know who I mean though. Anyway, obviously living for her campaign to obliterate Lydia; I guarantee you that her supposed quit is merely another ploy in her long game to take out the trash.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐ – All I want when I’m dead is to leak gossip to the Janets of the world, hmu with your ouijas, your tarots, whatever hun xx~

Lydia

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Not sure I ever actually thought we’d see any progress on Lydia’s cooking class, but here we are cruising forward with only a third of her personal assistants being maimed by hot oil splatters. Most of my Lydia entertainment this episode, though, came through Janet savaging her behind her back. I am so excited for the renewal of that reunion rivalry.

Rating: ⭐⭐ – Poissongate was fine, but senator, you’re no Jessica Simpson.

Sally 

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What is going on in that hashtag? Anyway, I appreciate Sally’s now-irrevocable disdain for Gina, that it has her actually swearing and bitching in confessionals and shit, etc. But then…she was barely in the episode after that. Eh, whatever. If she does nothing else this season she still outpaces four combined seasons of Chyka and Susie.

Rating: ⭐⭐ – ~Exonerated by Drift~ would make a fantastic name for a fragrance, if you’re out there reading this Sally cut me in when you make millions from it.

Venus

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A redemption arc for Lady Venus Behbahani-Clark: color me surprised, but very here for it. Especially since even in what has to be by leagues her most sympathetic episode she still manages to botch everyone’s makeup at her own makeup launch AND botch a seance by summoning the spirit of her husband’s grandfather who was definitely a lord you guys the Ouija board doesn’t lie.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ –  Team Good is gonna poach the shit out of Venus next season, you heard it here first. (Then they’ll inevitably get annoyed with her too, of course. The Pettifleur tragedy truly is repeating as farce.)

Gamble

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“Anyway, my house is haunted.” Has a sweeter segue ever been uttered? I don’t know why nobody has ever thought of pulling out a Ouija board on this show but God fucking bless. (I suppose it’s to expected here, though; Gamble’s a closet medium after all.) I nearly peed myself when Gamble demanded that the late Lord C (or possibly Z) show himself out because she only wants to talk to HER spirit. A woman needs to know how to decorate for her basement lessee, alive or dead.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Gamble needs to gift herself the Bravery Calavera for showing up without makeup on national television.

2 thoughts on “💫STAR SEARCH💫: The Real Housewives of Melbourne, S04E09

  1. that one camera guy LOVED no-makeup gamble

    loving venus finding purpose as the most blatantly objectified alliance number in real housewives history. i can’t wait until gina and lydia inevitably accidentally make it explicitly clear that they don’t give a fuck about her, ideally through a hot mic clip they get ambushed with at a reunion. i did think this was the weakest episode of the season, but the ouija board was great.

    1. yeah, i think this episode painted a pretty clear picture of venus’s path to team good, and it mostly just looked like jackie and co. being nicer people lol.

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