They may have been foreclosed upon in real life, but they’ll live on in our memories.
They say that home is where the heart is, and we have places in our hearts for many of the homes of the Real Housewives. After all, this is domestic drama writ large, and any piece of drama is only as good as its stage. Here are ten of the most memorable Housewife haunts in Bravo history. Note that we said “memorable,” not “beautiful” — some of these McMonstrosities are truly fucking ghastly.
10. Caroline and Jacqueline’s Kitchens (New Jersey)
I include these not out of any residual affection toward the homes or their inhabitants, but because an outright majority of RHONJ seasons 1-5 was filmed in these two rooms. If St. Peter’s test is to draw these fucking kitchens from memory, I will get into Heaven.
9. Yolanda’s Estate (Beverly Hills)
I’ve rolled my eyes before at viewers who watch RHOBH just for the real estate porn, but even I can’t help but ogle a house with an infinity pool, a lemon grove, and a fridge that has its own Twitter account.
8. Moore Manor (Atlanta)
In a masterstroke of spite, Kenya bought and fixed up this modern home entirely as a clapback at Shereé. Now she looks set to flip it at the request of her new husband, Flat Marc. If you want to live down in the gully with Shrek, stop by for a viewing when Kenya puts it up on the market. Baseboards not included.
7. Alex and Simon’s Townhouse (New York City)
Let it never be said that the upper crust can look down upon the McCord-Van Kempens. The likes of Ramona and Jill cruelly judged Alex and Simon for living in an unfinished townhouse that looked like the Saw bathroom, in the third-world country known as “Brooklyn.” Our heroes got the last laugh with a redesign as iconoclastic and misguided as the residents themselves. Who doesn’t want to live in a Housewives reunion set 365 days of the year?
6. Villa Rosa (Beverly Hills)
It’s easy to forget that for the first two seasons of RHOBH, Lisa Vanderpump lived in a fairly generic, sterile McMansion. Villa Rosa is a far better fit, combining Lisa’s ethereal aura of gauzy, soft-focus glamour with her aggressively terrible taste in decor.
5. Teresa’s McMansion (New Jersey)
Confession: while I have become desensitized to nearly everything this show throws at me, I still cannot get over how fucking ugly Teresa’s house is every time I see it. A monument to excess and the terrible judgment of its owners, nearly every piece of gilt and ornamentation inside is fake — an illusion made of paint and plywood. It’s such an apt metaphor for the Giudices themselves, you almost wonder if they planned it… and then you remember who we’re talking about. It was probably Teresa’s compulsion to pay for this home, on camera, in cash, that led to her personal ruin.
4. Sonja’s Townhouse (New York City)
Speaking of homes that are metaphors for their owners! If you reach under a random piece of furniture in Sonja’s home, you are equally likely to find: a pair of panties; a handful of loose rubies; a fossilized piece of pizza from 1996; a key to a door that’s been locked for over a decade and leads to a room Sonja doesn’t remember; what remains of Millou’s ashes (“so that’s where I put him!”); a portal to an alternate dimension.
3. Chateau Shereé (Atlanta)
A monument to Shereé’s persistence (and delusion), the Chateau finally saw its grand opening last year — five years after the groundbreaking, four years after Shereé got kicked off the show and started sleeping on air mattresses, and two years after the start of Kenya’s scorched earth insult campaign. The Sagrada Familia of Atlanta is complete (we all know the basement doesn’t count).
2. Vicki’s Grotto (Orange County)
Vicki has made fake-outs toward selling her sprawling Coto de Caza home over the last 12 years, but we all know she never will, because she’s an incredibly literal and materialistic woman who would see any sort of downsizing as a personal defeat. And thank God, because how could RHOC go on without the grotto? The Playboy Mansion-style feature is both tacky as shit and the coolest thing ever, and you’re lying if you pretend you’re not jealous. The grotto is a testament to its owner’s love of all things huge, large and grand, and we look forward to the ladies of the O.C. bickering under its watchful eye for many decades to come.
1. Bluestone Manor (New York City)
There’s no contest: Dorinda Medley’s country home in the Berkshires is both the coolest house in all of Housewives, and the most iconic. There is no room in this house that is not seared into my memory. Remember the dining room with the jade figurines where LuAnn and Bethenny raced to commit the first on-air Housewives murder-suicide? The peacock blue sitting room where Bethenny endured one of Ramona’s finest rage blackouts? The kitchen where Dorinda finally snapped and almost gored the entire cast with a vodka bottle? Thankfully, it seems like annual trips to the Berkshires are now a Christmas tradition, so hopefully we have years of holiday hijinx at Bluestone Manor ahead (pending any fatalities).