So the eighth New Jersey reunion draws to a close, with nary an accusation of Twitter bottery to be found. But hey, at least there was cake.
This hour was a nice coda to the rest of the season, insofar as I felt genuinely warm toward all the players even as they fell into a fugue of nightmarish screaming. The Kim D. segment was as delighted as I’ve been with a reunion in a long time. I could pick out favourite moments from this interlude, wherein Kim perched evilly in the special little throne they dragged out for her and pressure-cannoned mud at the cast while Teresa accused her of being a madame, but it’s really best enjoyed as a complete orchestral suite from beginning to end. I smiled the whole time.
And now, the rankings. One last time, allegro:
6. Dolores (NC): For as much as Dolores has variously been boring, and misguided, and a sycophant, I’ve never been as annoyed with her as when she was muttering back and forth to Siggy, ignoring everyone else around her. Imagine hitching your trailer to the Titanic as it’s in the middle of sinking (…boat trailer? Just go with me here).
5. Margaret (-2): The reveal that Jubilee Jumbles (or whatever the fuck clothing brand) is suing her for $9.4 million was a wound, and it threw Marge off her game. She spent the next hour trying to recover. If Margaret’s financial problems are as bad as they appear from the outside, expect a lot of story around it next season, and maybe a nice healthy downward spiral directed at, I dunno, Melissa.
4. Siggy (NC): I’ve long defended Siggy even during her most obnoxious trespasses, based on a maximalist sentiment that too much was just enough. But at the end of the hour, the incessant yelling and crosstalk turned the reunion into this video of borzois screaming at each other and Siggy was the one to blame. When Andy stepped in to As A Fellow Jewish Person her into admitting that Margaret wasn’t an anti-Semite (and failed), you could kinda see it was over for Sig. Good night, my precious angel. May your cakes remain lavish and unmolested, and may you always watch your step on the stairs.
3. Danielle (-2): Her backstage anti-Dolores meltdown was a nice callback to her walk-off at the season two reunion, but otherwise, a fairly lowkey resolution to Danielle’s return. Let’s see what next year has in store.
2. Teresa (+1): At some point, her lighthearted flirting with Andy Cohen seemed to turn into a legitimate sexual proposition, and honestly I’m here for it? True love finds us in the weirdest places. Explore that impulse, Tre.
1. Melissa (+4): I know! But I was charmed by her attempts to supplant Andy as the moderator of the reunion, vainly trying to coax some sort of remorse from Kim D., and she spent the rest of the hour delivering increasingly flamboyant scowls and eyerolls for the benefit of the audience. Solid showing from an inconsistent player. I will, as always, recall her fondly until season nine, when I will instantly remember I don’t ever actually enjoy her storylines.