💫STAR SEARCH💫: The Real Housewives of Melbourne, S04E08

And in the master’s chambers

They gathered for the feast

They stab it with their steely knives

But they just can’t kill the beast

Gamble

Gamble drunk tequila Mexico Melbourne

Gamble took a bit of a backseat this episode, because she was embarrassed about getting hammered and ravaging a stranger’s bathroom in the mood to make peace with her enemies. Gotta love her eye-douching self nevertheless. The prospect of seeing Gamble Breaux on my internet television screen gets me through every Wednesday and I just don’t know what I’ll do when this season ends.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐ – Excuse you Gina but Gamble can finance her lifestyle independently through iGambol sales.

Gina

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I’m of two minds on this one. On the one hand, her accusing Sally of calling her a wog bitch is (a) like blaaaatantly untrue, her delivery sucked, Lydia Schiavello is her witness?!?!?! I mean really, and as everyone in the world pointed out there’s no fucking way Gina Liano just sits on that information for half a week; (b) really really recklessly evil; (c) painfully deluded, like seek fucking help woman sweet Jesus; and (d) potentially legally actionable???

On the other hand…such, such beautiful delusion though. “I’m not a victim, I’m the fuckin’ queen!” has been the stinger quote of the season for so long that it was amazing to see it play out in such an embarrassing manner; I mean, good God, Gina imploded like an aging mob-run casino. I’d also like to highlight assorted other lesser psychotic moments here, e.g., her openly stated philosophy that she can say whatever she wants about anyone if she’s mad at them, or her breezily claiming that she and Gamble had made up (*footage not found* needless to say).

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐ – Let’s see if she stands by what she says when she’s under oath in the civil trial  xx~

Jackie

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The real queen of this show. Make no mistake, she saw Gina skipping merrily toward social oblivion and dutifully prepared all her allies to train all their fire on her at once. Schlep(?) of a queen, indeed.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ –

Let’s grab one of each…

ROY. You’re gonna have another child.

…I’m gonna what?

Another child. Your wife. I can see it.

Yeah, number three!

BOY.

No, girl.

There’s gonna be a boy.

There’s gonna be a boy?

Yes.

Well, everything says that it’s a girl.

For now!

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Janet

Janet Melbourne giving the finger dinner

Come for her relatable immediate return to drinking, stay for her literally telling Gina Liano to go drown in a pool. There’s always something beautiful about seeing a Housewife finally buckle under the weight of season after season of predictable bullshit and unleash holy fire on her tormentor.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Bonus stars of course for interrupting the Gina-centric trench warfare to lob an unprompted and unnecessary dig at Lydia’s weight. Always direct a portion of your fire at your personal nemesis (this, presumably, is PR 103).

Lydia

Lydia Housewives Melbourne umbrella Mexico

Another week of blithe racism, staff abuse, rank stupidity, and pathological lying from our Trash Queen. This time we got an added dollop of Slutty Lydia, which I’d honestly missed; have we seen it at all since she went car shopping?

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐ – I personally strongly believe she was eventually going to tip her heatstroke-afflicted parasol holder.

Sally 

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Sally still doesn’t light my world on fire, but I have to give her big props for driving Gina crazier than maybe anyone ever. Ironically, after weeks of being boring and stolid, she has managed to use those very qualities to utterly shatter Gina’s psyche by simply and plainly repeating that she’s a deluded bully. Where is the lie? As for Woggate, good Lord. It’s actually probably helping her reputation so I think she’s fine. But I’ll leave the Housewives to adjudicate the issue next week by asking the Ouija board whether it’s true because of course they do because this is the best show on television in any country.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ – “Oh, was she standing?” was the very first sign of independent wit we’ve seen from this one. MORE PLEASE.

Venus

Venus pointing Melbourne dinner

I fucking lived and died for Venus, Conversation Slayer. Dykes. Chubbaluxes. A childhood lunch, shat in. The whole beautiful pool game set piece. There’s a beautiful karma to Gina and Lydia, having picked her up as a number for Team Evil, having to sit, bug-eyed, grimacing, as Venus merrily trips through agonizingly awkward non sequiturs.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – One star for every 200 of Venus’s lesbian friends~

4 thoughts on “💫STAR SEARCH💫: The Real Housewives of Melbourne, S04E08

  1. The pool table scene filled me with adoration for just how perfectly cartoonishly evil the Gina alliance is. Each one of them is the embodiment of a different villain trope and I really love Venus as the hapless bottom rung, slowly being tricked into trusting the other team. Amazing.

    I can’t quite put into words how much I’m looking forward to the ouija board reveal.

    1. Right? Every scene featuring The Dark Side is like an episode of Pinky & The Brain, except there’s an additional, somehow-even-dumber Pinky there.

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