Continuing the Dallas legacy of dark furniture and weird lighting, the women of New Jersey storm back into our lives to litigate each other’s foyers (hard ‘r’ on foyer, by the way). It was a solid start to the reunion, with lots of fun extras — we got Danielle Staub, the hawkish spectre of Kim D., and even a Ramona Singer crossover. Let’s sift through the bodies together and see who’s still got a pulse.
6. Dolores: The only thing I remember about Dolores’s showing is that she got her face topped off like hours before the stage lights came on. If I’ve learned anything from these programs as a vicarious consumer of injectables: always give your shit time to settle. Otherwise, an unremarkable hour from Dolores.
5. Melissa: Nothing special on her own merits, but excellent as the conduit for Ramona “Romana” Singer to pop in for a phone cameo/shade LuAnn in her time of need. The woman is a phenom.
4. Siggy: Here’s the thing: ranking Siggy’s reunion performance is a fool’s errand, both because she is not going to come out of this looking good and because she’s already left the show anyway. But there was a dogged pluck to her delusion that I admired, and the reveal that she called PETA on Marge cracked me the fuck up. I’m all-in on Siggy’s psychosis at this point — although it’s possible that, like allegedly half the internet, I’m on her payroll.
3. Margaret: Held her own during those trepidatious splitscreens with Siggy, and my God, the conviction! At various points, Margaret was visibly trembling with rage. There’s nothing like the youthful passion of a new Housewife.
2. Teresa: I thought Teresa was effortlessly hilarious last night! Who knew? First of all, big kadooze (™ Romana) for dragging Jacqueline within literal moments of the reunion beginning. Loved when she punctuated a viewer question with “these fucking people, I can’t… 🙄.” Her Tales from the Crypt burn on Kim D. was quick and laugh out loud funny. Great hour for Tre; look forward to her impaling Kim with Andy Cohen next week.
1. Danielle: That’s right. She got a seat on the couches so she gets a seat in the ranking. First and foremost, I have to say: Danielle looked radiant. I don’t even know what it was, whether she changed her makeup or got some work done or what, but she was glowing. To clarify, I don’t think she’s usually ugly, but her personal style, especially around hair and makeup, can run a bit Disney villain-y… which it kind of still did, but a beautiful Disney villain, I guess. I thought the dress was great, too.
Other than that, it was mainly a soft focus retelling of the dramas of season one and two whereby Teresa and Danielle were merely well-intentioned souls who misunderstood each other, rather than a shrieking chimpanzee who nearly murdered her boss when her obsessed sociopath stalker talked shit about her infant nephew, respectively. I am here for this complete whitewashing of very recent history, and hope that if the horrific rumours about Caroline and Jacqueline’s imminent returns are true, Tre and Dan dispatch them quickly and without mercy.