💫STAR SEARCH💫: The Real Housewives of Melbourne, S04E07

Vayan conmigo, mis brujas, as we take a trip South Of America for tripe tacos, tequila-induced bloodshed, and terrible Gina Liano insults.

Because this was a cast trip episode (and because it was a full fifty-seven damn minutes of material, woof), we’ll dispense with the usual (already flimsy) format of this ranking and just dig right in.

Venus

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“Wacky random” is a good look for Venus; I fucking died when she swanned in mid-melee shouting ¡HOOOOLAAAA SEÑORITAAAAAAS! The obnoxious parsing of whatever this “Steve” creature said to her was irritating me a little, I’ll admit (shades of Gina BUT I GET AHEAD OF MYSELF), but the bizarre right turn toward Gamble and Venus apologizing to each other and becoming tequila-guzzling party buddies made up for that right quick.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐ – Gotta laugh at yet another inept Venus torpedo launch, though. Yes, who can possibly know what “a week” means.

Gamble

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STOP BUTTING IN BITCH!!!!!!! was the clarion call for a new generation, engrave it on my tombstone, etc. The gaslighting is over, Gina, go home. Deeply appreciate the beautiful symmetry of Janet absolving her of a sexual rumor before the watchful eyes of Everyone In Melbourne.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Even odds that Gamble rolls up to the reunion handing out wedding photos retouched to remove Gina.

Gina

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Hooo my God this is Gina at her very worst. I was really digging her this season, too, but she couldn’t resist going back on her shit alas. A of all, I’m legitimately starting to believe Janet over Lydia and Gina re: Chykagate (ha) because they’re both so weird and squirrelly about exactly what happened. B of all, Gamble’s kooky-crazy but not a gold-digging psychopath, calm the fuck down. C of all, “aren’t you supposed to be feminine” and “you’ve just lost a lot of followers” are two of the weakest weakbitch comebacks I’ve heard in my time on this Earth, and I mean it’s fucking Sally whom nobody cares about and that’s how absurdly rattled and ruffled you get?

Rating: ⭐ – I’m admittedly nervous that we’ll lose followers over this rating (especially since Gina(‘s gay intern) herself started following us just this morning oops).

Jackie

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This hysterical (in every sense) performance had me rollin. We got wacky Jackie who thinks she’s great!!!!! at Spanish, we got righteous Jackie who seemingly grows to 6’5″ as she stomps around seeking out the truth!!!!!, and we got emotional Jackie who could have watched her best friend DIE!!!!! without resolving their cross words. The closing scene gave me shades of Jackie slamming into a glass door in pursuit of Gina at the end of S2 and I am all about that Erinyes realness.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Loved the reveal that Ben *also* gets vibes, which is how he saved Janet’s life. He truly is the perfect man/sexy beast/Australian rock god.

Janet

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Got in a fight with her best friend over essentially nothing/shit that they actually agreed on, then stumbled around drinking from the bottle and sobbing, then sliced her fucking face open in the middle of the night without fully realizing it. Uhhh fuckin SAME?!

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – You could almost suspect that Janet intentionally injured herself, given how successful her accident proved at immediately healing any rift with Jackie, but nah c’mon who would do such a thing.

Lydia

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Kudos to whichever exec producer took Lydia aside all listen bitch you’re going because I looove when the editors get to go out of their way to grind Lydia into the dirt. From patronizing the help to not understanding the concept of South America to the endless, endleeess bullshit-exposing flashbacks, this was a true showcase of Trash Queen Lydia at her filthiest. And it’s almost poetic that she’s somehow in a position to plant dark suggestions in a willing Gina Liano’s ear; their relationship truly is the dark mirror of Gamble/Janet.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐ – Di eh go? DI EH GO??

Sally 

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Fuckin finally! This wasn’t an earth-shattering performance or anything, but watching someone calmly tell Gina she’s being an obnoxious bully when she, um, is, was extremely gratifying. If Sally can keep it up I could even grow fond of her; if nothing else, she clearly gets waaay the fuck under Gina’s skin so that’s promising enough on its own.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐ – NB that one thing this particular franchise has on most others is the blithe willingness of even the Nice Ones to rattle off every single bit of gossip and backbiting they hear, God bless.

One thought on “💫STAR SEARCH💫: The Real Housewives of Melbourne, S04E07

  1. Gina was horrendous this episode. Feels really random that Sally of all people gets under her skin so much but I’m here for it.

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