I’d ask you to give me your phones, but then most of you wouldn’t be able to read this week’s recap. So please put them on silent instead.
I’m preempting Queen for an Episode because it was a tight race this week between two women, neither of whom are members of the actual cast. The first is this gorgeous creature:
If the producers are looking for season eleven rookies, they could do far worse than Mbele the energy reader, easily the best conduit of spiritual energy to grace this show since Allison DuBois made covert jerk-off motions at an unsuspecting Kyle Richards. Mbele was brought on by NeNe to get to the bottom of the women’s drama, but she mostly just ended up creating her own. I appreciate what she was going for by confiscating the phones, but first of all, it’s an ass move (think of all those insufferable cafes that make you “pretend it’s 1991”; like not sure why you’re so eager to relive the Gulf War but let me text my fucking mom). Second of all, turning over your electronics robs you of your chance to flee the room when shit gets absurd, which it frequently does with these women. Any good Housewife has an escape plan and I won’t compromise mine for the sake of your vibes, Mbele.
Of course, none of this would matter if Mbele weren’t naturally the most abrasive human alive, not that I’m complaining. The flashback montage of her handshake hypocrisy was beautiful and I’ll never fault her for getting into it with Kim Zolciak; “Dixie cup” might be the most hilarious and withering dismissal of Kim’s entire being to date, and we’ve got five reunions to draw upon.
Kim, of course, was the episode’s other main character (I hesitate to say “protagonist” for obvious reasons). Every scene Kim has darkened in season ten has positively dripped with thirst, and this week is no different. She has no obvious reason to resurrect the “Kandi is a lesbian” saga (other than the drama it generates…). Her entire stance entering the energy reading was so combative as to be ridiculous. Her crawling up Porsha‘s ass is transparently strategic, collecting a stray Housewife for the sake of numbers. And of course, there’s her nascent feud with NeNe.
Right now, it’s baby drama about Kim creating a scene at NeNe’s fifteen-word long Gays and Girls [Redacted] party, but that shit is about to blossom like a big old rafflesia. Kim’s pointless accusation that NeNe was on drugs is one of those bad faith jabs that serves as a nice shorthand for why everyone hates Kim to begin with. And we know from the supplementary materials that Brielle’s cockroach Snapchat is destined to blow up into a racism debacle. No one is providing drama more potent or plentiful than Kim, but it’s all reaching. She’s trying hard, maybe harder than anyone I’ve ever seen, to get back on the show. Call it a hunch, but I think it will backfire. Clawing your way back onto the show is a deceptively delicate balancing act. You need the audience on your side, and I don’t see anyone getting onboard with this foolishness. Maybe Kim should have made better friend with Mbele, because she needs to learn how to read the energy of the room.
Next week on The Real Housewives of Atlanta: I don’t know, man, I’ve got six babies at home. I focus on that.