Ranked: The Children of RHONY

Getting to know the awful, awwwful teenage children of early RHOC has made me nostalgic for the assorted adorable dorkmonsters and parent-shepherds of RHONY. But which amalgam of UES DNA is tops?

14-22. Jesse Barshop, Zoe Barshop, Hudson Drescher, Sienna Drescher, Ella Rae Schindler, Kingsley Taekman, Cassius Taekman, Jagger Wainstein, Rio Wainstein

I have only the vaguest memories of these children; feel free to enlighten me about something colorful any of them did (no, being a prop in a hellish Kristen/Josh argument or Cindy/Howie flirtation doesn’t count). Props to Jesse Barshop, though, who is apparently a gender rebel.

13. Bryn Hoppy

(Wisely) kept offscreen by Bethenny in the midst of Jason Hoppy’s attempts to use her as a prop in his endless, scorched-earth psy-op campaign against her. Served a useful function last season as the inciting factor in Ramona’s concern trollery about Bethenny !!!fucking on a waterbed!!!.

12. Harrison Dubin

“The offspring of Harry Dubin and Aviva Drescher” is as close you’ll get to a mythological creature in modern times.

 

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11. Quincy Adams Morgan

The Maris of RHONY. One of my favorite pastimes is keeping my eyes peeled for fragmentary glimpses of her in Sonja’s social media; try it yourselves, she’s a fun Easter egg.

10. Jax Schindler

The recipient of one of the few Emotional Storylines that didn’t have me checking my figurative watch. Hope he’s well! Holla for health!

9. Ally Shapiro

Gerard fact: I passed out while watching the very first episode of RHONY, and when I awoke hungover the next morning to finish I nearly had an anxiety attack watching Jill trying to ferry Ally off to a fat farm detox camp or whatever. She always seemed remarkably well-adjusted considering, though, and major props for serving as the conduit for this iconic article.

8. Avery Singer

“Ramona is coached through social niceties by her decades-younger daughter” is a treasured motif of mine. Recall that this immortal face

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was made to a disbelieving Avery as Ramona outlined her (first) Renewal.

7. Sea Bensimon

6. Teddy Bensimon

Always a pleasure watching these two children raise their mother. Special props obviously to Teddy’s ongoing mortification at every single thing Kelly does.

 

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5. Hannah Lynch

Much as her mother is the Housewife anyone would want to hang out with, Hannah is the most inherently likable/relatable/charming offspring. (Always a treat when she shows up on Dorinda’s IG story; one of them is inevitably joyfully trolling the other.) And of course you’ve gotta love her persistent, gleeful cock-blocking of John Mahdessian.

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4. Francois van Kempen

3. Johan van Kempen

A great part of early RHONY’s charm lies in watching Silex coo over their beautiful, precocious, multilingual children, just as said children clamber over furniture and throw food and scream in public settings. To this day we never fail to put on our Johan Face whilst taking selfies.

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2. Noel de Lesseps

1. Victoria de Lesseps

THE iconic Weekend Kids of the franchise. Noel’s breakdancing lessons and skateboard-design business. Victoria’s surrealist nude portraits and like-daughter-like-mother checkered past (including/especially the time Ramona personally got her kicked out of school teehee). These blasé, Eurotrashy angels are everything you could hope for from the union between a dissipated European noble and a coked-out glamazon.

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