As I’ve familiarized myself with the winsom, grainily-VHSed, mortgage-bubble charms of early RHOC, I’ve already experienced many highs (Jo cheerfully waving Slade’s severed penis in the air, Vicki bellowing Briana’s name across time zones) and lows (Lauri having access to more wealth than most historical humans). But certainly my most strongly held emotion is an all-consuming, white-hot loathing of the Keough family, down to a member.
Now, don’t get me wrong; there’s no bad answer to the question posed in the title of this post. They’re 👏🏼 all 👏🏼 nauseating 👏🏼 trash 👏🏼 !!! But which particular flavor of evil do you think I’ll select on in the end as the chief locus of my loathing and contempt as the Keough wagon rolls ever, infernally, onward? Let’s game it out.
Chief Sins: Calls his mother’s best friend “Tits,” repeatedly physically and verbally assaults his siblings, refuses to drive a Mercedes because it’s a “girl car,” makes use of the term “gaypron.”
Redeeming Quality: Lets Jo cuck him when she grows bored of cucking Slade.
Assessment: Shane is probably the most obviously objectionable of the Keough clan, given his raging homophobia (borne of being deeply closeted (what, I’m just repeating what The Blogs were saying in ’06)) and blithe contempt for all other humans. On the other hand, his contempt for his family members specifically is far more intense, which can be quite rewarding when you fucking hate the rest of them too.
Chief Sins: Pejoratively suggests that her brother’s internet crush is a transwoman and/or black man that he met on “MyGaySpace,” “jokingly” calls her mother “dirty whore” and “motherfucker” and occasionally shoves her in a fit of pique.
Redeeming Quality: Bleeds away thousands of dollars of her parents’ money every month.
Assessment: Kara sets herself up as a wry, above-it-all commentator on the foibles of the Keough clan, but uh she’s a spoiled monster who throws shit fits about being gifted the wrong *car* so it’s just unbelievably insulting. Finding out that she had a steady high school boyfriend was like a horror movie reveal.
Chief Sins: Vanishes to Las Vegas when he gets bored or annoyed of raising his children, pressures his sons into pursuing professional baseball careers then openly berates them for their shortcomings as players, admits that he only stays in his loveless marriage out of fear of admitting that he ever made a mistake in his life.
Redeeming Quality: Taylor once got to use him as an answer in Scattergories.
Assessment: We’re supposed to pity Matt/empathize with him/at least understand why he is such a misanthropic piece of shit because he almost died of a line drive to the head And He Ain’t Been Quite Right since. He clearly still possesses enough self-awareness to be responsible for his awful fucking attitude, though, and sorry but you’re not really gonna convince me that a white athlete from a Midwestern team in the 80s was ever the most sensitive dude.
Chief Sins: Breaks his hand punching a classmate “because they were smoking pot” 🤔, calls his brother a “f*ggot” and “fucking homo” and chucks a full bottle of water at his head.
Redeeming Quality: Has been on Earth for fewer years than the other Keoughs.
Assessment: On the surface, Colton seems like the least horrific Keough, but (a) as noted above, the others have had more time, and (b) “has an inferiority complex directed at Shane Keough” isn’t the most promising premise for a functioning adult psyche.
Chief Sins: Sits around with a bored, vacant expression as all of the above happens.
Redeeming Quality: I’d be lying if I said “eventually gets a glass full of red whipped into her smug face” isn’t my answer, even if canonically speaking I shouldn’t know about that yet.
Assessment: There’s an expression about the banality of evil that’s relevant here, though I’m told by our lawyers that we should steer clear of references to Nazism until Siggy Flicker starts a regime of mood stabilizers. Suffice it to say that Jeana, while seemingly inoffensive a decent amount of the time, is very VERY responsible for creating this brood of solipsistic nightmares, and doesn’t even seem to care that she is.
Alright, time to place your bets; winner gets whichever beloved pet dog Jeana is tired of that day.