Which Keough Will I End Up Hating the Most?

As I’ve familiarized myself with the winsom, grainily-VHSed, mortgage-bubble charms of early RHOC, I’ve already experienced many highs (Jo cheerfully waving Slade’s severed penis in the air, Vicki bellowing Briana’s name across time zones) and lows (Lauri having access to more wealth than most historical humans). But certainly my most strongly held emotion is an all-consuming, white-hot loathing of the Keough family, down to a member.

Now, don’t get me wrong; there’s no bad answer to the question posed in the title of this post. They’re 👏🏼 all 👏🏼 nauseating 👏🏼 trash 👏🏼 !!! But which particular flavor of evil do you think I’ll select on in the end as the chief locus of my loathing and contempt as the Keough wagon rolls ever, infernally, onward? Let’s game it out.

Shane

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Within earshot: his mother.

Chief Sins: Calls his mother’s best friend “Tits,” repeatedly physically and verbally assaults his siblings, refuses to drive a Mercedes because it’s a “girl car,” makes use of the term “gaypron.”

Redeeming Quality: Lets Jo cuck him when she grows bored of cucking Slade.

Assessment: Shane is probably the most obviously objectionable of the Keough clan, given his raging homophobia (borne of being deeply closeted (what, I’m just repeating what The Blogs were saying in ’06)) and blithe contempt for all other humans. On the other hand, his contempt for his family members specifically is far more intense, which can be quite rewarding when you fucking hate the rest of them too.

Kara

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My laptop saved this horrifying image of Kara’s transformation into a Jeana mini-me, no joke, as “Screenshot (666).png.”

Chief Sins: Pejoratively suggests that her brother’s internet crush is a transwoman and/or black man that he met on “MyGaySpace,” “jokingly” calls her mother “dirty whore” and “motherfucker” and occasionally shoves her in a fit of pique.

Redeeming Quality: Bleeds away thousands of dollars of her parents’ money every month.

Assessment: Kara sets herself up as a wry, above-it-all commentator on the foibles of the Keough clan, but uh she’s a spoiled monster who throws shit fits about being gifted the wrong *car* so it’s just unbelievably insulting. Finding out that she had a steady high school boyfriend was like a horror movie reveal.

Matt

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He supposedly was not an asshole at this point, but…professional athletes IDK.

Chief Sins: Vanishes to Las Vegas when he gets bored or annoyed of raising his children, pressures his sons into pursuing professional baseball careers then openly berates them for their shortcomings as players, admits that he only stays in his loveless marriage out of fear of admitting that he ever made a mistake in his life.

Redeeming Quality: Taylor once got to use him as an answer in Scattergories.

Assessment: We’re supposed to pity Matt/empathize with him/at least understand why he is such a misanthropic piece of shit because he almost died of a line drive to the head And He Ain’t Been Quite Right since. He clearly still possesses enough self-awareness to be responsible for his awful fucking attitude, though, and sorry but you’re not really gonna convince me that a white athlete from a Midwestern team in the 80s was ever the most sensitive dude.

Colton

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The golf cart that launched a thousand homophobic slurs.

Chief Sins: Breaks his hand punching a classmate “because they were smoking pot” 🤔, calls his brother a “f*ggot” and “fucking homo” and chucks a full bottle of water at his head.

Redeeming Quality: Has been on Earth for fewer years than the other Keoughs.

Assessment: On the surface, Colton seems like the least horrific Keough, but (a) as noted above, the others have had more time, and (b) “has an inferiority complex directed at Shane Keough” isn’t the most promising premise for a functioning adult psyche.

Jeana

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If any of you were heterosexual males, I’d warn you against getting aroused by this.

Chief Sins: Sits around with a bored, vacant expression as all of the above happens.

Redeeming Quality: I’d be lying if I said “eventually gets a glass full of red whipped into her smug face” isn’t my answer, even if canonically speaking I shouldn’t know about that yet.

Assessment: There’s an expression about the banality of evil that’s relevant here, though I’m told by our lawyers that we should steer clear of references to Nazism until Siggy Flicker starts a regime of mood stabilizers. Suffice it to say that Jeana, while seemingly inoffensive a decent amount of the time, is very VERY responsible for creating this brood of solipsistic nightmares, and doesn’t even seem to care that she is.

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Alright, time to place your bets; winner gets whichever beloved pet dog Jeana is tired of that day.

9 thoughts on “Which Keough Will I End Up Hating the Most?

  1. I’m not sure which one you hate the most but my vote is KARA. Shane has like 3 brain cells and I don’t remember much about Colton but Kara has the potential to be intelligent enough to be a better person but she isn’t.

    Jeana is a genuinely awful person responsible for this brood but I find her story arc so beautiful I can kind of appreciate her.

  2. officially, they’re all tied for last, but gun to my head, matt is the worst keough. mitigating factors aside, he doesn’t seem to have one redeeming quality as a human being. shane is probably second — a putrid young man, to be sure, but i find something slightly pathetic about the insane pressure the family puts upon him to imitate his father’s career when even his greatest supporters acknowledge he’s only a modestly talented baseball player.

    kara i can imagine being tolerable in fits and starts but she’s soooo smug and prissy 95% of the time that it’s not even worth interrogating. colton, same; i feel like the show catches him at the tipping point in his life where the k-virus starts to take hold and he’s lost forever. it’s tragic how hard he works to emulate shane, a person who is so desperately unhappy in his own life.

    and jeana keough ooooooooof but you all know how i feel about jeana. i think she’s the most emblematic of the keough family, in terms of being someone you almost pity because she is incapable of true happiness but then her personality is so grotesque that you recoil.

  3. matt. that screenshot cracks me up, though. that title card (is that what those are called?) did a great job capturing the silliness that made the keoughs so relatable and endearing <3

  4. I’m diving into the early seasons too! I found this article literally by googling “jeana keough is the worst”. So….

    As much as Shane sucks, I related a bit when they visited his Kane County Cougars game and he wanted nothing to do with them. I hate his parents, so it’s understandable he does too.

    Colton actually made me laugh out loud when he described their dog Shire’s death in a serious but teen-boy manner (highly recommend rewatching that scene) but he is problematic and became more like Shane over time.

    That means Kara is the child I hate most, and 3rd overall in the family. Not much detail needed, she’s innately cringey, but there’s also some weird quirks, like going to the gun range alone with Simon? I had to like actively remember that he was Tamra’s husband, such an odd friendship. Plus the fact she chose to go to Berkeley but makes a comment about being Republican in every episode she’s in? lol ya not surprised she didn’t like it.

    I’m not counting matt as in the family, he’s definitely a horrible person, HOWEVER…

    Jeana. is. the. worst! RIGHT off the bat, she stays in a loveless marriage creating a terrible home environment for the family. She’s also actually genuinely mean, evidenced by what she said to Michael’s girlfriend in mexico and to Lynne in the pool in Las Vegas. Her overall personality omGGGGGG it’s like she’s so fucking lame and boring, but at the same time seeing her TRY to be fun or GOD FORBID sexy, EW i’m grossed me out !!! She’s so hard to look at and I think deep down she’s bitter as fuck cuz she knows she sucks. I can’t wait til I reach a season she’s gone

    1. Welcome to our inner sanctum of Jeana hate! Your Keough analysis is spot-on start to finish. Lighting an abundance candle to guide you through the rest of her footage; fortunately (coincidentally I’m sure…) Jeana’s exit overlaps with OC truly achieving greatness.

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