Raise your hand if “it’s a joke, look at the ‘LOL'” will now be your go-to excuse for meantexts.
On Her Own: Her hotel opening is in danger because some careless Balinese folk lost a shipment of L22 or something I don’t know kinda zoned out but that sounds about right.
With the Ladies: This Gina fight better be good caaaaaaaauuuuuussssee…
Rating: ⭐ – When Chyka Keebaugh (as a *Friend Of*) is more interesting than you **in multiple episodes** I am sorry I give up.
On Her Own: Maybe Lord James really is in IT, would we really be surprised.
With the Ladies: Venus actually had something of a point in her (insaaaane) argument with Gamble; Gamble really is trying to troll her off the show, after all (not that I care because it’s fucking funny). Buuut of COURSE, in now-typical Venus fashion, she utterly torpedoed herself by announcing that her husband’s occupation is Cunnilingust and cackling that creepy fucking John Carpenter-monster cackle. Bless her terrible-at-Housewiving heart (“heart”).
Rating: ⭐⭐⭐ – To get a tan you first need to not have a centimeter of paste smudged over your epidermis, bb.
On Her Own: There was Gamble, complaining about Rick and Luke not doing chores, and I thought okay, finally, some mundane solo footage, I knew nobody could be that great for that long. Then suddenly the Wolfe family is clambering through a crawl space in search of ghosts whilst clutching full glasses of wine I GIVE UP Gamble you win this season already.
With the Ladies: …and that was before she punctuated her grudge match with Venus by twirling out of the room mockingly simulating an orgasm induced by a fantasy about Venus’s husband.
Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Penciling this rating in for the remaining episodes BRB.
On Her Own: I’m well-known for not caring that much about ~emotional moments~ like Gina’s counselling sesh with Teymara, Life Coach. It was a tolerable enough scene, though, and I even laughed a little when we got to Gina’s discovery of crying.
With the Ladies: Am very confused by this new diplomatic Gina who’s essentially begging Lydia, like, please, just…don’t be stupid and evil for once, so you don’t get fired. Fortunately the sweet warm Mexican air seems like it’s about to set her straight.
Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Deep appreciation for her wry disregard of Lydia’s feelings (“feelings”): “Well it might still be on its way…but you know what…🤔…I reckon it’s not.” / “You didn’t miss much.” “I didn’t miss much?” “Well, you sorta did.”
On Her Own: Is essentially stealing the SkinnyGirl business model (from its rightful creator, Luann de Lesseps).
With the Ladies: The series premiere of this franchise featured Jackie as the outsider of the group, but here she is, the decider of who goes on cast trips. PROUD. I’ve always said that if this were Survivor, Jackie would win the final vote unanimously; her social game is inexplicably good for someone who’s sooo obnoxious (I say this with love obviously). Now let us never speak of that wretched show again.
Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Next time on The Real Housewives of Melbourne: Gina thanks Jackie for her day at La Máscara.
On Her Own: I’m rapt to see how long she can get away with eluding this gossip accusation.
With the Ladies: Basically singlehandedly nuked Lydia, then sat back and chortled into a takeout container as she watched Gamble devour some wild-eyed bystander.
Rating: ⭐⭐⭐ – Back to the background this week, but she earned it, having turned a drama about her big gossipy mouth into the total ritual exclusion of her archenemy from a birthday party AND cast trip(!). But looks like her time might be running out. . .
On Her Own: The reveal that Lydia smirks and eats grapes when people call her up to confront her is some deliciously on-point villainy.
With the Ladies: Gina hanging her out to dry is hilaaaarious I am sorry (and karmic justice needless to say but I’m pretty sure karma has given up on trying to extract any humility from Lydia after the millionth “hang on a minute”).
Rating: ⭐⭐⭐ – Speaking of time running out, Lydia is once again on the ropes with this cast, most of whom have barely ever tolerated her in the first place (had to laugh at Gina’s insistence that Lydia and Jackie were once great friends because uh what citation needed). But you never know; she’s had nine lives on this show, after all, although she used up about six of them last season.