Did you know the Hamptons are actually in Atlanta? Fill your teacup with vodka cran and we’ll tell you all about it.
Perhaps because the episode was largely devoted to Kenya filming her domestic violence PSA, this week’s RHOA was heavy on the message and light on the conflict. We can still pick at the bones together, though.
So let’s pick some bones.
6. Cynthia: It wasn’t until I skimmed the episode on rewatch that I even noticed there was Cynthia solo footage, a throwaway scene about her relationship with Phil. I don’t think this dalliance is built to last, largely because I don’t trust Cynthia’s taste in men (eight years of marriage to Peter Thomas speak for themselves), so I’m perpetually waiting for the other shoe to drop. Season ten has been a snooze so any time you’re ready, Phil. [Ed.: upon further examination, the man’s name is actually “Will.” I’m leaving it unchanged to prove a point.]
5. Kandi: Similarly, I’m ready to fast forward to the inevitable closure of OLG. This storyline is a hot plate of nothing, though I’d still take it a million times over Peter’s restaurant spinoff. Am I going to shit on Peter in every segment of this recap? It’s possible!
4. NeNe: Continuing my theme of being ready to chuck out every single storyline and start fresh: this NeNe/Porsha feud is going nowhere fast. I couldn’t even tell you what happened at their summit at Marlo’s. They exchanged vaguely cross words and then the segment ended abruptly with no obvious resolution. I don’t mind NeNe phoning it in, because a half-hearted NeNe is far less overbearing and megalomaniacal, but I’m about ready for her to cleave a morning star into Kim Zolciak’s still-beating heart because come on already.
3. Porsha: I mentioned last week that Porsha’s romance storylines are bad dinner theatre. This week, she tried to convince us that a Dish Nation workplace romance was brewing with Rickey Smiley. If I were blatantly on the precipice of being fired from the show, this would not be my move, is all I am saying.
2. Kenya: Kenya undertook the good work of producing a PSA around domestic violence, a worthy cause and almost inarguably a better use of time and resources than the doomed pilot of Life Twirls On. No word yet on whether she’ll be inserting a fake shampoo commercial into this one.
1. Shereé: In a slow week, it doesn’t take much to get to number one. I could lie to you and tell you it’s for her heroic soldiering-on in the face of her car accident, which is truly commendable. But really, I’m here for her delightful and completely unnecessary jab about NeNe and Gregg’s mugshots. What can I say? I’m a simple man and easy to please.
Next week on The Real Housewives of Atlanta: a medium enters the frame to unearth hidden secrets and help the women air out their disputes. I am also psychic, and can tell you this will end badly.