First Contact: The Real Housewives of Orange County, Season 2

Welcome to the Age of Knickerbocker, my pets.

Jeana

jeana

Main Storyline: Impassively watching her dry, loveless marriage crumble into dust. Impassively watching her children screech homophobic slurs at one other. Impassively watching herself draw, day by day, closer to death, with not a thing to show for the experience.

Pros: Trashed Slade at a party once, which will always get you points.

Cons: When the fuuuck is the Keough mansion finally gonna go House of Usher on these creeps?

Jo

jo

Main Storyline: “Aw, Slade babe, did I accidentally rip off your dick? 😿” Part Deux.

Pros: The whole season is a series of outlandish attempts by Jo to sabotage her relationship. She goes out to LA basically every other night to drink with her girlfriend JJ (a fucking STAR, by the way, who is every single one of us who’s ever been the friend saying “gee, sounds like your boyfriend’s a total piece of shit, buuut I dunno none of my business…”). When this doesn’t fully destroy Slade’s ego, she straight up moves to LA without warning. God bless the loose structure of early reality TV that allowed a cast member to relocate out of the filming area on a whim.

Cons: Got a little too upset about Slade finally dumping her, although in fairness it felt a little more like a “you’re dumping me?!” situation.

Lauri

Screenshot (664)

Main Storyline: Becoming the least deserving recipient of a deus ex machina in human history in the form of her ultra-rich, Republican, presumably-Parrothead fiance.

Pros: Seeing even her idiot/criminal children shut down her attempts at being a stern mother all “well how are you responsible for your life, your fiance’s checkbook?” is pretty satisfying.

Cons: Still though. Lauri’s so stupid, so vapid, so irresponsible that she can’t see how her pathetic dependence on others is directly responsible for her children’s learned helplessness. SINS OF THE MOTHER HUN!!!

Tammy

tammy

Main Storyline: Cucking her pathetic Nice Guy ex “Duff” (Duffrey? Dufflas?), at first gently, but then in increasingly humiliating ways.

Pros: Have to say I did lowkey appreciate Tammy’s blithely dismissive social strategies toward her loved ones, from forcing Jeana to kick Duff out of a party so she didn’t have to encounter him to locking her own daughter out of her house so she couldn’t throw a party while she was gone.

Cons: You know how vaccines work by giving you a harmless dummy version of a virus for your immune system to practice on? Tammy is the Cindy Barshop vaccine and I wish I had watched this before I watched RHONY.

Vicki

Screenshot (663)

Main Storyline: Learning to truly understand and connect with her family, letting go of control juuust a little so she can truly LOL God it’s just gonna be another decade of this fakeout huh.

Pros: Shows up unannounced to her son’s dorm room screeching WOOHOO and carrying a carton of Coors, flees to his bathroom to sob uncontrollably when he isn’t thrilled to see her, then finally recovers by doing a keg stand with all of his friends. Oh yes and there’s the little matter of an unwelcome family van not sure if you’ve heard.

Cons: I’m honestly not sure if she can keep up this momentum without my burning out on her, but then I still stan Ramona Singer in the year of our Lord 2018 so.

Next time: Hi Tamra.

5 thoughts on “First Contact: The Real Housewives of Orange County, Season 2

  1. the story of jeana keough is, fundamentally, a tragic one, in a ‘couldn’t happen to a better person’ kind of way. there’s something literary about it, but it’s a book i wouldn’t read. easily one of the most depressing housewives ever.

    the saga of jo de la rosa, meanwhile, is a story of human triumph. i have this theory that their ‘relationship’ in season two is almost entirely a contrivance of mutual benefit to allow both of them to remain on the show, but slade thinks that he can bamboozle her back into their old relationship dynamic, whereas jo has absolutely no compunction using and ultimately discarding him. my favourite example of jo’s gleeful disregard for slade’s humanity is when she instructs him not to get in a fatal accident on the way to the recording studio because then he won’t be able to deliver her starbucks order. <3 her move to los angeles with jj (who is, yes, amazing; criminally forgotten superstar in the annals of early oc) is a beautiful surprise betrayal to cap off their story. one final kiss-off from mid-oughts queen joanna "jo" de la rosa; we were never worthy. in conclusion, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oFYnY8s9c8E

    lauri, yeeeeeah. i love the continued in-universe description of her financial upswing as ‘a fairy tale’; truly the coto dream is to meet someone who will bankroll your existence and absolve you of the difficult work of having an identity of your own. food for thought: if lauri is cinderella, was vicki her evil stepmother?

    tammy, whatever, lynne curtin will soon come in and do the difficult work of “orange county dream turned nightmare” much better (and honestly even lauri did it better in s1). tammy’s best function is as the conduit for the disturbing tangent that is *the oc angels*, easily the most bizarre and otherworldly early oc plotline.

    i think it’s very cute that you’re talking about vicki ‘keeping up momentum.’ you have barely scratched the SURFACE of vicki gunvalson’s psychosis. you have literally 10 years of this shit coming down the pipe including a cancer scam. i promise you the horrors of vicki season two will look positively quaint.

    1. Ngl I might take some weekend night to get high and watch it all (doubt I’ll make it past one episode tho, I already have way too much Slade ahead of me)

      1. lmk if you do bro i’ll tag along. jo de la rosa as the star of a convoluted low-budget mid-00s dating show sounds like a matter of destiny, to be honest.

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