Welcome to the Age of Knickerbocker, my pets.
Main Storyline: Impassively watching her dry, loveless marriage crumble into dust. Impassively watching her children screech homophobic slurs at one other. Impassively watching herself draw, day by day, closer to death, with not a thing to show for the experience.
Pros: Trashed Slade at a party once, which will always get you points.
Cons: When the fuuuck is the Keough mansion finally gonna go House of Usher on these creeps?
Main Storyline: “Aw, Slade babe, did I accidentally rip off your dick? 😿” Part Deux.
Pros: The whole season is a series of outlandish attempts by Jo to sabotage her relationship. She goes out to LA basically every other night to drink with her girlfriend JJ (a fucking STAR, by the way, who is every single one of us who’s ever been the friend saying “gee, sounds like your boyfriend’s a total piece of shit, buuut I dunno none of my business…”). When this doesn’t fully destroy Slade’s ego, she straight up moves to LA without warning. God bless the loose structure of early reality TV that allowed a cast member to relocate out of the filming area on a whim.
Cons: Got a little too upset about Slade finally dumping her, although in fairness it felt a little more like a “you’re dumping me?!” situation.
Main Storyline: Becoming the least deserving recipient of a deus ex machina in human history in the form of her ultra-rich, Republican, presumably-Parrothead fiance.
Pros: Seeing even her idiot/criminal children shut down her attempts at being a stern mother all “well how are you responsible for your life, your fiance’s checkbook?” is pretty satisfying.
Cons: Still though. Lauri’s so stupid, so vapid, so irresponsible that she can’t see how her pathetic dependence on others is directly responsible for her children’s learned helplessness. SINS OF THE MOTHER HUN!!!
Main Storyline: Cucking her pathetic Nice Guy ex “Duff” (Duffrey? Dufflas?), at first gently, but then in increasingly humiliating ways.
Pros: Have to say I did lowkey appreciate Tammy’s blithely dismissive social strategies toward her loved ones, from forcing Jeana to kick Duff out of a party so she didn’t have to encounter him to locking her own daughter out of her house so she couldn’t throw a party while she was gone.
Cons: You know how vaccines work by giving you a harmless dummy version of a virus for your immune system to practice on? Tammy is the Cindy Barshop vaccine and I wish I had watched this before I watched RHONY.
Main Storyline: Learning to truly understand and connect with her family, letting go of control juuust a little so she can truly LOL God it’s just gonna be another decade of this fakeout huh.
Pros: Shows up unannounced to her son’s dorm room screeching WOOHOO and carrying a carton of Coors, flees to his bathroom to sob uncontrollably when he isn’t thrilled to see her, then finally recovers by doing a keg stand with all of his friends. Oh yes and there’s the little matter of an unwelcome family van not sure if you’ve heard.
Cons: I’m honestly not sure if she can keep up this momentum without my burning out on her, but then I still stan Ramona Singer in the year of our Lord 2018 so.
Next time: Hi Tamra.