💫STAR SEARCH💫: The Real Housewives of Melbourne, S04E05

It’s about Chyka. (No, really.)

Lydia

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On Her Own: Whatever your body type is, a legs-only fake tan seems like one of the worst cosmetic decisions possible.

With the Ladies: Has Lydia seriously botched yet another assault on her castmates? Dead. The thing is…there really is a non-zero chance that she’s making this shit up, which is pretty astonishing.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐ – Celebrating another year of the Melbourne cast dancing around the Lydia/Shane affair, employing only the barest euphemisms to avoid discussing it completely openly.

Sally 

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On Her Own: *Let it be known* that Susie’s one and only one good scene was a psychic reading with Jackie, so I guess we can count on The Angels for entertainment if we can’t count on mortals.

With the Ladies: Thanks for hosting a party where conflict happened~

Rating: ⭐⭐ – Looking forward to The Widow’s Guide to Sex and Tasteful Sweaters.

Venus

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On Her Own: We’re here for your fake-noble husband, not for your sister’s boring almost-husband, don’t get it twisted.

With the Ladies: I *always* give points for Housewives producing screenshots of emails, texts, gossip sites, etc., so yeah I’m not gonna complain about seeing a low-quality still from The Birds uncovered via some poor production moron’s text exchanges with an almost-certainly drunk Gamble.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐ – It uh looks like Venus does not gain any more traction next week either though.

Gamble

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On Her Own: Dropping this random lost pop career three years into her tenure is one more gem in the Gamble crown. She could have been another Natalie Imbruglia y’all 😪.

With the Ladies: I mean the Hitchcock text’s not not funny.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ – My fave emerging motif of the season is Gamble being characterologically unable not to complete a neutral or even positive comment about Venus without immediately negating it through an even worse insult.

Gina

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On Her Own: I’m finding her really funny this season! The most effortlessly funny she’s ever been, honestly (though of course I prefer the unintentional season 1 absurdity now and forever).

With the Ladies: On the other hand, chill out about Gamble’s jokes. It’s Gamble.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐ – Oh but kudos for “So yes that glass is for Janet~” Love an egregious setup like that.

Jackie

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On Her Own: *Finally* the full Jackie Gillies experience. A psychic reading would have been enough, but the fuckin IMAX 4D immersive experience of the Shine It Up: Live tour (feat. a bouncing electro-booty contest, trust hugs, and Jakica Ivancevic’s eventual co-starring role on The Ellen Show) was this blogger’s personal vision of heaven.

With the Ladies: I’m almost certain Jackie suspects/knows that Janet said something or other (it’s JANET hello) but that she steadfastly ripped into Lydia anyway shows the tenacity I love in Our Lady of the Angels.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Seriously CHYKA being the focal point of this gossip made me fall the fuck out though.

Janet

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On Her Own: I don’t support fat-shaming, but I DO support the insane amount of animosity Janet and Lydia harbor for one another…it’s a tough balance. (Much like Lydia’s scales LMAO! – Janet “Roachie” Roach)

With the Ladies: Janet’s damage control technique (i.e., button-mashing till she depletes Lydia’s health enough to scurry away) is perhaps unparalleled in this cast. This is why you need screenshots, Lydia.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Janet’s plaster-mask reaction to Venus small talk is completely me interacting with 85% of strangers.

2 thoughts on “💫STAR SEARCH💫: The Real Housewives of Melbourne, S04E05

  1. i fucking liiived for the jackie gillies solo footage this ep. the shine it up tour is in every way “faking your way through a high school presentation: the touring show.” i love how brazen and improvisational her readings are; easily googleable info interspersed with sage advice like WRITE A BOOK RIGHT NOW. genius. the woman is a genius. *i’ll* get her face tattooed on my neck; i’ve been ink-shopping anyway.

    i forgot how good janet is when she’s at peak performance. just a taut-faced maelstrom of petty gossip and scathing remarks. she’s truly come to play this year and i respect it, even if she was proooooobably running her mouth about jackie and chyka. which, whatever, it’s janet. hating janet for gossiping is like hating the pope for being catholic.

    gamble vs. venus, a gorgeous niblet. the hitchcock allusion is a nice touch, given that gamble and venus are both sort of like hitchcock blondes who got rejected for being defective. glad also that the endgame of gamble inviting that rando musician to perform at luke’s party has become clear.

    1. Gamble is Jimmy Stewart’s witty ex-fiancée in Vertigo who can never get his romantic attention. Venus is the con woman whom he dresses up the dead lady he’s obsessed with, and whose own death he eventually causes. (The dead lady is Pettifleur, obviously.)

      (Spoilers)

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