The Regency: A Whirlwind Final Week of 2017

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This week’s edition of The Round-Up has been retitled The Regency because, as with all things in life, it’s all about LuAnn and Tom.

In 2016, LuAnn colonized the final seven days of the Housewives news cycle as we all screamed at our computer monitors over her impending nuptials with Tom D’Agostino. This year, she continued her streak and treated us to her arrest following a drunken rampage in Palm Beach. Since we last checked in on our girl Lu, there have been numerous developments. I’m sure you’re familiar with all of them, having set your Google alerts to every possible combination of “luann countess drunk felony scandal florida,” but here are the deets anyway.

First came the news that LuAnn’s fateful encounter came about because she attempted to sneak into a hotel room to fuck a dude during turndown service, alleged to be one of her exes (you can place wagers on whom via The Bitchy Witches Mobile App, though we’re no longer accepting bets for Harry Dubin). Subsequent to that came the news that, in true GTA: Palm Beach style, LuAnn slipped her cuffs in the squad car and tried to leg it for the hills. Now, desperate for a kernel of good press from this story, LuAnn has checked herself into rehab. That has to build some kind of resentment, going to treatment while Sonja Morgan is out there like tsk tsk well it’s for the best, she has a problem *raises pitcher of margarita to her lips*.

In non-LuAnn news, if such a category exists:

  • Kyle Richards’s string of bad luck continued as she and Mauricio were burgled of over $1 million in jewelry, including $150,000 in watches. Burglary is unjust but so, I would argue, is having $150,000 in watches lying around, so it’s a wash.
  • RHOC one-and-done Lizzie Rovsek is divorcing her husband, Christian. No word on who will get custody of the empty party bus.
  • Finally, the bizarre story of Carlton Gebbia, who apparently abused her nanny and tried to throw herself off the house. Not a word of this scans as implausible, so… be well, Carlton, I guess, and the rest of us will wait with bated breath for Elizy’s tell-all.

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