💫STAR SEARCH💫: The Real Housewives of Melbourne, S04E04

Grab your dick-gourds y’all, it’s time to discuss some Aussie gossip folks.

Janet

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On Her Own: I deeply appreciate that Janet owns a truffle farm for unexplained reasons.

With the Ladies: R-E-C-E-I-P-T-S. Janet was in her finest form this episode, from her veiled threats to Sally not to turn to the Dark Side to her serving as the Woodward to Gamble’s Bernstein in the ever-unfolding sage of Venusgate.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – More Housewives should plan spiteful counter-trips.

Lydia

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On Her Own: Lydia is such a Good, Charitable Person in my opinion.

With the Ladies: Finally about to blow the lid off this weird furtive Jackie/Janet drama. This is why you’re here, darling, work your magic.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐ – Add “thinks Figaro can sniff out truffles” to the Lydia’s a Fucking Moron scoreboard.

Sally 

On Her Own: Her husband died dunno if you heard. Carole and Dorinda still wore it better.

With the Ladies: I suppose I mildly appreciated her turn as horrified spectator in the climax of psychological thriller Venus’s Keepsakes but she could have sold it better.

Rating: ⭐⭐ – I cannot for the life of me find entertaining screencaps of this woman just use your mind’s eye.

Venus

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On Her Own: Dear (apparent SEO keyword) Venus’s Sister Rebecca,

XO,

The Witches

With the Ladies: Oh my god this woman is psychoooootic. I can’t even begin to imagine what she was thinking with this photo shit. I mean literally I cannot conceive of her actual motive.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – “What? Oh, that stack of tibias? They’re just for memories, love, it’s really not a big deal.”

Gamble

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On Her Own: I will never tire of Gamble using her leisure time to Nancy Drew her way around Venus’s house-of-cards life. We’ve already escalated from Instagram to Burke’s Peerage and Baronetage and I’m excited to see which medium she plumbs next.

With the Ladies: Ate it into a pile of cowshit whilst dechoppering. Gamble’s physical comedy is sublime (see also above screencap).

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Alien fucking babies.

Gina

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On Her Own: Again, see above.

With the Ladies: Lived for Gina whinging continually about how truffles don’t even taste good, why are we digging up fungus out of shitty dirt to eat it, sorry truffle farmers you are wasting your lives, etc. It’s time we took down the truffle-industrial complex once and for all.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ – To quote Kathy Griffin’s famous comment about Ann Coulter, “What’s she doing wearing a cocktail dress at 7am?” I know it’s Gina but girl you’re in the damn produce aisle.

Jackie

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On Her Own: WE WANT BEN! WE WANT BEN!

With the Ladies: Gave us a few funny lines, channeled Kelly Killoren Bensimon in  describing Venus’s antics as weird and concerning and weird and concerning and creepy.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐ –  Buckling up for the psychic storm about to be unleashed next week.

4 thoughts on “💫STAR SEARCH💫: The Real Housewives of Melbourne, S04E04

  1. I’m fully (ironically) stanning Venus at this point in time. Like you, I can’t even find a motive for the photo shit at all but I loved admitting it to Sally to her face and saying she wanted to do it for scrap booking and memory making (what even lmfao). Janet finding the receipts and Venus’s subsequent denial and backpeddaling on instagram is hilarious.

    I feel like Sally deserved her first 3 stars but I’m conflicted because she’s clearly someone I’d enjoy IRL but then I imagine what someone else could be doing with her spot so… shrug.

    Janet officially coining that group of people the dark side. Fitting! Overall another great episode. I do wonder why Jackie is getting shafted on material though.

    1. I’d be more accepting of a wasted spot in a cast this strong IF Jackie simultaneously weren’t so UTR. Looks like that uhh changes next week though. But believe it or not I really am still giving Sally a chance. I didn’t mind Chyka, and this cast can always use a bemused normie to react to insanity.

  2. Ok, Sally got a lot of screen time this episode. I just hope hope she can use the storyline handed to her well. Her talking heads remain static as f**k. At least her’s are 10x better than say… Lydia from RHOC.

    Everyone else is starting to shine it up, although ironically Jackie feels like background fodder given her total lack of solo footage post-episode 1.

    1. Yeah, it’s really the talking heads that can make or break a Housewife, isn’t it? Gamble could do jackshit and I’d still love her for the talking heads alone.

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