💫STAR SEARCH💫: The Real Housewives of Melbourne, S04E03

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Jackie

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On Her Own: WHAT is going on with the dearth of Jackie footage? Is she hiding the early stages of a pregnancy? Squirreling away footage for the Blu-ray release accompanying the Shine It Up tour? Disappointed.

With the Ladies: Not much here either, so let’s shout out the return of her bestie CHYKA. I found myself oddly nostalgic for Chyka? Sure, she was boring, but she was by far the best of the famously Boring Housewives of the canon. Keep doing you, babe (except those fucking hideous ceramic mushrooms what the shit).

Rating: ⭐⭐ – This is the lowest possible Jackie rating in this venue FYI.

Janet

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On Her Own: Not much solo footage really, so let’s acknowledge about her hilariously relating Lordgate to a clearly uncomprehending (yet still deeply amused) Chyka.

With the Ladies: But the return of Gossip Girl Janet was more notable re: her relating the byzantine tale of Venus…air-dropping unflattering outtake photos of Sally and Gamble…from a production assistant’s phone…or something? Hopefully it’s elucidated next week but for now yeeesss Janet get in there. PS deeply appreciate a storyline involving WhatsApp, which Taylor and Tracey and I use to jointly manage this iconic website across the horrible vastness of North America.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Special shout outs to Janet going onnn and onnn about how Lydia is a disgusting friendless moron who inevitably torpedoes all of her relationships. Where is the lie?

Lydia

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On Her Own: Another installment in the classic series Watch Lydia Sandbag Herself With Her Own Idiocy, this time starring a series of hapless unqualified interns who had no idea who the fuck she was.

With the Ladies: Still gamely stirring up this Jackie/Janet business that will inevitably boomerang back on her. Bonus points for her Lord James shade. Can’t even contain herself from being a c*** to her own allies! (Gina’s and Jackie’s word, not mine.)

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐ – We are literally never gonna see her actually teach a cooking class, are we?

Sally

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On Her Own: Calling her Chyka was generous. Using her only solo scene to desperately try to cajole footage out of her obnoxious precocious sons was on some fucking Susie level.

With the Ladies: Being randomly roped into Photogate is the best thing that could happen to her. Watch her botch it.

Rating: ⭐ – Time’s a tickin’, lady.

Venus

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On Her Own: When all the producers have to do to shade you is juxtapose your boring, vapid relationship with your husband against your enemy’s warm, funny, loving relationship with hers

With the Ladies: I can’t even begin to untangle whatever spectrumy machinations Venus had in mind with this photo-stealing shit but I’m here for it. Uh, if it ever materializes into something they can actually discuss on the show. Jettison that boring sister though; once again, WHERE the fuck is Neptoon?!

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐ – WhatIsTheMeaningOfTheBox.Com

Gamble

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On Her Own: I fuuucking love the Wolves but what else is new. Gamble having two people in her life who adore her while simultaneously gently mocking her ridiculous eccentricities is exactly what she, and we, deserve.

With the Ladies: Slightly disappointed that she was a Good Person and patched things up with Gina, but (a) that’s just part of playing the game, and Gamble is Here To Play, and (b) as if this truce lasts for more than 2/3 of an episode anyway. I mean, even if Gina makes a cursory effort, Lydia exists.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ – If I can’t have a Siri that sounds like Matty Samaei, I’d at least like one that sounds like Gamble’s talking-to-dogs voice.

Gina

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On Her Own: Look I know it’s Gina but do you really need to wear a décolletage-spilling cocktail dress to lunch in a coffee shop.

With the Ladies: She’s definitely gaslighting the shit out of Gamble still, buuut as far as Gina gaslighting goes it’s pretty kid-gloves treatment. Loved her not having a second’s patience for Lord James’s pissiness, loved her serving as arbiter of Venus’s phone gallery.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐ – “Mad” and “insane” are what we call synony—you know what, never mind.

One thought on “💫STAR SEARCH💫: The Real Housewives of Melbourne, S04E03

  1. Gamble is everything a housewife should be and more. I’m also living for Venus randomly digging up photos and obviously being guilty. How grimey and at least she’s getting involved. The fact Sally couldn’t even do anything when having her name involved in phone gate ~is~ worrying. At least Gamble was there dressed as a Victoria’s Secret angel to assure us everything was ok.

    Lydia’s solo footage is a work of art.

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