Even though Atlanta reached the apex of true love eight years ago when Kim Zolciak dated DJ Tracy Young, the ladies still vainly toil to exceed that romantic bond. This week’s RHOA was about women in the mood for love.
Who was a decadent heart-shaped chocolate sampler and who was a shitty chalky candy heart?
6. NeNe: Once again, NeNe was missing in action. I won’t question the absence, in the same way that you don’t question it when your skin rash suddenly clears up.
5. Kenya: It’s less egregious to me that Marc hasn’t been on the show, because dude just doesn’t want to film and that’s fine. Sensible, even. But the fact that Cynthia hasn’t met the guy, even off-camera, despite the fact that they’re purportedly good friends, and the mental gymnastics they’re both going through to justify it? There is a reveal here, a reveal yet to come, and I’ve got a bad feeling we’ll be waiting for it all season. It’ll come at the reunion, if at all. I don’t know if I have that much patience to see what kind of Buffy monster of the week this guy is.
4. Cynthia: There’s something so discouraging about watching a woman flee a bad situation only to continue making the same mistakes. Every time she flocks back to Peter Thomas, I’m reminded of the scene in every zombie film where someone approaches an undead former loved one and suffers the gory consequences. This is to say nothing of her new boo, Will, whose pedigree includes Steve Harvey’s dating show (!!!! what seventh circle of Hell fuckery). I worry that Peter has ruined her for all men; all she knows is bald dudes on the come-up.
3. Kandi: I was ready to dress Kandi down for her millionth straight episode of boring family footage, but thankfully she came in clutch putting Will through the Inquisition on that boat. I can imagine Mama Joyce entering the Kandi Factory offices with a thick dossier of Will info, collected from the streets.
2. Porsha: Porsha’s romantic storylines have always been bad jokes, at a level outstripping maybe even Kenya (at least Kenya’s are marinated in whimsical existential absurdity). The baby nup story made no sense, the 12-year-old trophy boyfriend disappeared into thin air after like three episodes, Kordell… was Kordell. Porsha’s vegan blind date might have marked a new low, although it brought us the welcome, Katie Rost-ian revelation that Porsha has kept the children’s rooms in her new home intact for her future son and daughter. For all her flaws, Porsha gives us an occasional peek of undeniably compelling delusion.
1. Shereé: It was a very thorough edit of Shereé this week, if one whose moving pieces contradict each other. The therapy sessions and the chat with her kids about her history of domestic violence were encouraging, only for her to interrupt them to take a call from her inmate boyfriend who’s doing ten years for fraud. Arguably Shereé’s defining characteristic is that she never learns from her mistakes (spotting a theme this week) and plows through terrible decision after terrible decision on blind confidence alone. It’s often played for comedy but sometimes it’s a bit sad, and this time I found it sad. But Shereé is a lot like Sonja Morgan: no matter how concerned I get about her judgment, she’s gonna keep going with or without me, so I might as well get onboard. So yes, by all means, carry on with the dude who ghosted you seven years ago when the Feds got involved. No red flags here.
Next week on The Real Housewives of Atlanta: Will removes his rubber mask to reveal Dr. Tiy-E, back for revenge.