Lords and Ladies of the Internet: kneel before Gamble Breaux, Troll Queen.
On Her Own: Was delighted to see Evil Gina rear her head so quickly after her sob story premiere edit, in the form of her berating that poor aesthetician that she wants square, not round—NOT round—no, that’s still—that’s still rooound, darling—nails, before Lydia entered and presumably administered the Fatality.
With the Ladies: I think Gina is sooo full of shit about her friendship with Gamble, and the anorexia concern trolling she’s pulling is really gross, however comma I’m enjoying the forward plot motion a lot.
Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ – I can already feel myself turning on her, but for now she’s still tenuously occupying an S1-esque place of being just assholish enough to be enjoyable without tipping full-on into shittiness. For now.
On Her Own: Did we get any Gillieses footage this episode? Blueball City.
With the Ladies: Seems to be biding her time before a fakeout attack on Janet that swerves into an evisceration of Lydia. Can’t wait! But sadly must.
Rating: ⭐⭐ – Not her fault though. P.S. has she always used the nicknames “JR” and “Roachie” for Janet? Delightful shades of Heather Thomson referring to Carole Radziwill as “Razzy Razzy Razzy” and “Mama Boo.”
On Her Own: More gauzy nicey-nice charity shit. YOU ARE DOING LOVELY WORK but your purpose in this realm is to spread malicious hearsay my love please hop to it.
With the Ladies: Credit due for setting up Gamble Breaux’s star turn as Margo Channing, but that’s about it.
Rating: ⭐⭐ – In the words of (the execrable) Jeff Probst, you gotta DIG, woman!
On Her Own: It’s only once in a blue moon that we get footage of Lydia with her husband Andrew (wonder why) but anytime we do it’s a beautiful nightmare of thinly veiled disgust. Andrew just dunking on Lydia over and over for being a preposterous moron represents one of the few truly toxic Housewives marriage dynamics that I can actually sit back and enjoy (take notes, Taekmans and Oldfields), perhaps because it feels almost-fated. Somewhere along the line Lydia died and was cursed to an ironic hell where she’s fabulously wealthy but must cohabit with a demon who will insult her every second for the rest of eternity, and that’s just that.
With the Ladies: Shit or get off the pot with this Janet/Jackie business. I just know it’s gonna be good, by which I mean I just know those two are gonna eat Lydia alive.
Rating: ⭐⭐⭐ – Even odds Lydia actually can’t readily spell “Schiavello” so points to Andrew there.
On Her Own: Prancing around the beach with her photogenic children like a gd Abilify ad.
With the Ladies: “Heavens, so much drama, what HAVE I gotten myself into–” BYE
Rating: ⭐ – Chyka’s appearance in the preview was more stimulating than any Sally footage thus far. Yes I’m aware that I’ve developed an irrational block against this one when she hasn’t even had a chance to do anything yet but whatever I’m doing me.
On Her Own: Her husband is admittedly a pretty good-looking guy, kudos! Otherwise …
With the Ladies: Oh man, Gamble just like…nuked her very being, I’m sorry. I don’t want to prematurely call her as a one-and-done, but I do wish to point out *apropos of nothing* that Gamble and Pettifleur get along now @foxtel.
Rating: ⭐⭐ – Still holding out hope for fun delusion, but we’re currently stuck at sour, prissy delusion. Paging Neptoon.
On Her Own: Not that she needed to be fucking funny as hell in her solo footage in this particular episode, but Gamble announcing that she had *accidentally* hijacked Luke’s 21st birthday party theme to embody the precise theme he had asked NOT to have was obviously everything.
With the Ladies: You’re a Real Housewife who has already sent your best friend-turned-archenemy a
passive-aggressive aggressive-aggressive box of roses to protest being excluded from a group dinner in episode 1. How do you top yourself in episode 2?
a) Rifle through an archive of tabloid magazines to construct an airtight libel case against said archenemy;
b) Confront said archenemy at a charity event to conduct the Longest Argument Ever, centered primarily on Gina Liano’s imminent type 2 diabetes;
c) Buy your friend a counterfeit title of nobility on the internet for under £40, solely to publicly humiliate someone you’ve never even met but just assume you won’t like;
d) Obviously all of the above because you’re Gamble Breaux and you are the Queen of Trolls.
I had to stop watching this episode at SEVERAL junctures lest I hyperventilate. Put it in whatever the Australian Smithsonian is.
Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Wish I could give her six stars, but I suppose I can’t break my format in just its second appearance. Suffice it to say that this was one of the best single-episode showings by any Housewife ever. All hail.