💫STAR SEARCH💫: The Real Housewives of Melbourne, S04E02

Lords and Ladies of the Internet: kneel before Gamble Breaux, Troll Queen.

Gina

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On Her Own: Was delighted to see Evil Gina rear her head so quickly after her sob story premiere edit, in the form of her berating that poor aesthetician that she wants square, not round—NOT round—no, that’s still—that’s still rooound, darling—nails, before Lydia entered and presumably administered the Fatality.

With the Ladies: I think Gina is sooo full of shit about her friendship with Gamble, and the anorexia concern trolling she’s pulling is really gross, however comma I’m enjoying the forward plot motion a lot.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ – I can already feel myself turning on her, but for now she’s still tenuously occupying an S1-esque place of being just assholish enough to be enjoyable without tipping full-on into shittiness. For now.

Jackie

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On Her Own: Did we get any Gillieses footage this episode? Blueball City.

With the Ladies: Seems to be biding her time before a fakeout attack on Janet that swerves into an evisceration of Lydia. Can’t wait! But sadly must.

Rating: ⭐⭐ – Not her fault though. P.S. has she always used the nicknames “JR” and “Roachie” for Janet? Delightful shades of Heather Thomson referring to Carole Radziwill as “Razzy Razzy Razzy” and “Mama Boo.”

Janet

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On Her Own: More gauzy nicey-nice charity shit. YOU ARE DOING LOVELY WORK but your purpose in this realm is to spread malicious hearsay my love please hop to it.

With the Ladies: Credit due for setting up Gamble Breaux’s star turn as Margo Channing, but that’s about it.

Rating: ⭐⭐ – In the words of (the execrable) Jeff Probst, you gotta DIG, woman!

Lydia

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On Her Own: It’s only once in a blue moon that we get footage of Lydia with her husband Andrew (wonder why) but anytime we do it’s a beautiful nightmare of thinly veiled disgust. Andrew just dunking on Lydia over and over for being a preposterous moron represents one of the few truly toxic Housewives marriage dynamics that I can actually sit back and enjoy (take notes, Taekmans and Oldfields), perhaps because it feels almost-fated. Somewhere along the line Lydia died and was cursed to an ironic hell where she’s fabulously wealthy but must cohabit with a demon who will insult her every second for the rest of eternity, and that’s just that.

With the Ladies: Shit or get off the pot with this Janet/Jackie business. I just know it’s gonna be good, by which I mean I just know those two are gonna eat Lydia alive.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐ – Even odds Lydia actually can’t readily spell “Schiavello” so points to Andrew there.

Sally

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On Her Own: Prancing around the beach with her photogenic children like a gd Abilify ad.

With the Ladies: “Heavens, so much drama, what HAVE I gotten myself into–” BYE

Rating: ⭐ – Chyka’s appearance in the preview was more stimulating than any Sally footage thus far. Yes I’m aware that I’ve developed an irrational block against this one when she hasn’t even had a chance to do anything yet but whatever I’m doing me.

Venus

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On Her Own: Her husband is admittedly a pretty good-looking guy, kudos! Otherwise …

With the Ladies: Oh man, Gamble just like…nuked her very being, I’m sorry. I don’t want to prematurely call her as a one-and-done, but I do wish to point out *apropos of nothing* that Gamble and Pettifleur get along now @foxtel.

Rating: ⭐⭐ – Still holding out hope for fun delusion, but we’re currently stuck at sour, prissy delusion. Paging Neptoon.

Gamble

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On Her Own: Not that she needed to be fucking funny as hell in her solo footage in this particular episode, but Gamble announcing that she had *accidentally* hijacked Luke’s 21st birthday party theme to embody the precise theme he had asked NOT to have was obviously everything.

With the Ladies: You’re a Real Housewife who has already sent your best friend-turned-archenemy a passive-aggressive aggressive-aggressive box of roses to protest being excluded from a group dinner in episode 1. How do you top yourself in episode 2?

a) Rifle through an archive of tabloid magazines to construct an airtight libel case against said archenemy;

b) Confront said archenemy at a charity event to conduct the Longest Argument Ever, centered primarily on Gina Liano’s imminent type 2 diabetes;

c) Buy your friend a counterfeit title of nobility on the internet for under £40, solely to publicly humiliate someone you’ve never even met but just assume you won’t like;

d) Obviously all of the above because you’re Gamble Breaux and you are the Queen of Trolls.

I had to stop watching this episode at SEVERAL junctures lest I hyperventilate. Put it in whatever the Australian Smithsonian is.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Wish I could give her six stars, but I suppose I can’t break my format in just its second appearance. Suffice it to say that this was one of the best single-episode showings by any Housewife ever. All hail.

15 thoughts on “💫STAR SEARCH💫: The Real Housewives of Melbourne, S04E02

  1. yeeeeaaaah that was a gamble episode through and through. i’m in the same place as you are re: not taking gina’s side whatsoever in this argument but still finding the whole storyline wonderfully zesty. the beauty of the gamblina breakdown is they’re both equally right and wrong: gamble IS a codependent loon/crazy ex-girlfriend but i 100% put the ruination of their friendship down to gina’s general apathy/self-centredness/cruel ghostwritten magazine columns. is it bad that two episodes in i’m already looking forward to the bloodbath at the reunion?

    i was genuinely shocked to see mr. lydia appear on the show post-shane warne and he did not disappoint. i wonder what he sees in her and why they’re still even together; the cynic in me thinks it’s probably as simple as “he should have made her sign a pre-nup.” otherwise, why stay with lydia? even if you want to be married to pliable idiot, there has to be a lydia out there with, idk, a vaguely pleasant personality? maybe their marriage is a long, elaborate dare. it’s all i’ve got.

    as far as i’m concerned, venus’s only value so far is in her confused and nonsensical explanation of her title, whereby her husband purchasing his lordship from some destitute former noble is more dignified than buying a square foot of scottish land off the internet. brings to mind my dear wife-nee-countess luann. otherwise, pass on her. pass on sally, too. i’ll give her a chance because i give everyone a chance but i wouldn’t have minded, i dunno, a joke of some kind. let me know you’re more than an ad for bali tourism.

    my condolences to chyka that the girls managed to track her down at her anonymous home in the countryside, which reminds me of nothing more than the lost finale where it’s revealed that rose and bernard have built a quiet shack in the jungle away from all the main cast members and their insipid drama.

    1. I *also* just keep flash-forwarding to the reunion every time there’s a Gamble/Gina scene. But yeah agreed on your take. I feel Gina *in theory* because clingy friends who over-invest can be awful, but at the same time Gina just…doesn’t really give a shit about anyone? When she said she hadn’t had a friend like Gamble since she was 5 i so wanted Gamble to retort that Gina doesn’t have any actual friends period. But “okay Grudge Gina” is an acceptable alternative I suppose.

      Speaking of the reunion, I guarantee you that, having had the entire time since she was initially cast to come up with a halfway plausible/dignified explanation of her title, Venus will still botch and marblemouth it when Alex Perry starts probing just a little.

      1. yeah, my thing with gamble’s overinvestment in gina is… you knew what gamble was like when you entered into this partnership, in which you used her to have strategic numbers in the tv program ‘the real housewives of melbourne.’ it’s not an unusual arrangement on this show to blatantly use someone who legitimately admires you to further yourself (cf brandi redmond and leeanne locken), but it is mercenary as fuck and there will be consequences sooo welcome to your consequences!

        1. Agree on all. But Gina (as I often forget because of her fan favo status) is extremely socially daft. No surprise that she can’t wrap her head around this one.

          On the other hand, the part of me that was shouting at Gamble through my screen the last two seasons that she was barking up the wrong tree feels slightly vindicated that she’s landed here.

  2. God Gamble is just the greatest. Loved how she exposed Venus and her husband for human filth via social media stalking alone (obviously true @ the fake titles) and I was dying of her confessionals. I hope she really does run her off the show as cruel as that sounds. That being said, I find her hubby like extremely hot whoops :S He sucks though and any husband on this show that gets super offended by things people do to their wife annoy me greatly. Gamble exposing Gina for ghostwriting <3 Clearly this is all an elaborate plot to bait and troll people into revealing lies <3 Her weight being a storyline gives me anxiety through the TV screen because I'm the same weight as Gamble and people say the same things about me from time to time, but I'm living for it.

    Lydia's marriage being an ironic hell could honestly be extended to her whole life.

    I liked Sally :S I mean she wasn't interesting at all but she was really nice and sweet. If she doesn't do anything at all in the next few episodes I won't be saying that though but I feel like new housewives entering an established group of people is always difficult at first.

    I can't unsee Venus being a Siameese cat and that's going to be my biggest takeaway from her at the moment. I don't think I could ever *like* her as a human being, but if all the women are going to attack her obviously paid for on the internet title of being a lady as hinted at next episode I can appreciate her ~shrugs~

    Great episode all around.

    1. “I’ve done some research on Instagram” was the first hint to me that Gamble would be spectacular this episode. And yeah those confessionals my God. The hits kept coming.

      I do sort of agree that I’d love to see her run Venus off the show. Like Taylor, I don’t have much time for the newbies yet, and I know I should give them a chance buuut…it’s Melbourne. Shorter seasons, the rest of the cast is made up of proven stars…you really gotta wow me quick or I’m like why are u here. And failing her being entertaining on her own, Venus would provide a lot of value as a chew toy for Gamble to tear apart and toss away (Tracey I think your dog is influencing my metaphors). Although I guess I’m interested to find out exactly why she has Pictures Of Them In Her Phone.

  3. “When you fall on your feet, systematically destroy Venus.” was actually Gamble’s tagline this episode. Although let’s not detract from her showdown with Gina. Star quality exuded all around from Gamble.

    For now I’m still optimistic with the newbies. Susie had an alright introduction via her vendetta to confront Lydia, and well… she’s in Cindy’s one-and-done realm, so I’m not giving up hope yet.

    We know that Sally and Gina get into conflict later so SOMETHING is later down the line. Venus feels like the mini-villain of the season already but unlike Pettifleur, she probably won’t upgrade her status to main villain.

    1. What is “Susie”

      But yes thank God Sally is guaranteed to do at least one thing. Also she’s a number for Team Good so there’s that too.

  4. Well I am really glad I named my dog after Gamble now because she sure did win this episode.

    I was here for every moment. I’m really loving her balls to the wall edit. And like y’all I’m even enjoying this feud with Gina. For what it’s worth I think Gina is totally in the wrong. I think Gina would find anyone who asks her to do anything she doesn’t want to in that moment needy she’s so self-involved.

  5. the vibe i got when gamble tried to take venus outside was that she was trying to say relax, i’m just playing real housewives of melbourne! iirc woofpup even made some comment in the background alluding to the fact that it’s just a game / what venus signed up for. this attitude is hilarious to me and i’m excited to watch it continue to dictate all of gamble’s moves. <3

    i legit lol'd @ lydia's husband trying to embarrass her by refusing to play along and pretend she was having their conversation for the very first time on camera. this season <3

    1. Oh God yeah. When Janet *unsealed the wax!!!!* on Gamble’s gift to reveal…that, I knew she was fully committed to having fun with this season. I’m overjoyed.

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